Literal Hellfire And 6 Other Groundbreaking New Ways To Cook An Egg (NOT Clickbait)

Photo illustration by Hannah Davis. Stock courtesy of iStock.

Written by Hannah Davis, Peak Associate

I was sitting alone in my bedroom when I got a call from an unknown number. 

“What are you thinking about?” asked Gordon Ramsay.

“Eggs, Gordon!” I exclaimed into the phone. “I’m absolutely tormented by the thought of eggs and the fact that I can never cook them!” 

Gordon chuckled kindly, in that way that only Gordon Ramsay can, and he decided to send some hot, eggy knowledge my way. Here are the best ways to cook eggs, as per the advice of a random caller who must, because he told me so, be none other than the famous television chef himself.

ON THE LAWN. Toss a raw egg onto the lawn and wait until nightfall. Your favourite neighbour Steve will come around at night, camping stove in tow, and he will cook the egg up for you. Wake up in the morning to a beautiful breakfast.

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WHILE READING PASSAGES FROM THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY OUT LOUD. Find your favourite copy of Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray and read passages of the novel out loud while you cook an egg as you usually would. The result should look almost as though a tiny, evil portrait depicting all of the egg’s sins has appeared on the counter.

WITH ICE. Putting a bottle of champagne in a bucket of ice is very classy, so do the same with your egg. Crack an egg onto a bed of ice in a cold frying pan. This method makes one egg, sunny-side up. 

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IN FRONT OF A GREEN SCREEN. Cook your egg as you usually would. After that’s all done, lay it on a green screen, so you can edit your egg into some cool stock photos you found online, like this one. 

Photo illustration by Hannah Davis. Stock courtesy of Alamy.

WHILE THE EGG IS FIGHTING BACK. Leave the egg in the fridge for a long time . . . leave it for too long. It will come at you with a knife. 

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IN OUTER SPACE. Launch an egg into space with that old rocket launcher you have laying around your house. You won’t be able to eat the egg once it’s up there, so find comfort in the fact that the egg is having a great adventure. 

Photo illustration by Hannah Davis.

IN THE FIERY FLAMES OF HELL. Do a demon summoning ritual. A portal will open up and a demon will pop out. 

“Why did you summon me?” the demon will ask.

“I have an egg I would like to cook,” you must explain. 

“I understand,” the demon will say, before bringing you with them into the portal. 

In hell, the demon will do some black magic and turn the egg from this . . . 

Photo illustration by Hannah Davis. Stock courtesy of iStock.

To this!

Photo illustration by Hannah Davis. Stock courtesy of iStock.

Thank the demon for the really yummy fried egg, and ask to go back to your earthly realm. The demon will again prove to be very reasonable and open the portal back up for you to go home. 

Once back in your kitchen, stare at the egg the demon cooked for you. Realize you’ve never been in love until this moment. Start crying because you fell in love, and you’ll probably never see your demon again. Make a single, bland piece of toast, toast that you will neglect to even put some butter on, and nibble on it forlornly. 

But then you’ll hear a gentle knock on your back door. You’ll be surprised because you weren’t expecting anyone. You’ll open the door cautiously, trying not to get your hopes up. It’s Demon. 

I didn’t think you would ever come back for me,” you murmur hoarsely. Demon takes your hand and looks deep into your soul. 

Of course I was going to come back for you,” he whispers in your ear. The two of you stare at each other lovingly. You clear your throat.

“Would you like to come in?” you ask.

 “Of course,” Demon replies. You grab Demon by the hand and lead him into the kitchen, where the egg you made together is sitting. 

The two of you start to make out, just before you eat that egg — together.