Seven things SFU was WRONG to welcome back to campus

There’s a cost to opening your doors to rude students and rough toilet paper

Written by Marco Ovies, Staff Writer

  1. That guy who types too loudly in lecture

His typing is obnoxiously loud. But he’s not actually typing any notes . . . Instead, he’s using his keyboard to tap out the Morse code for “I own a MacBook, so I’m above you pieces of filth.” It’s especially obvious because he starts doing it before the professor has even started talking.

  1. The professor that keeps getting your name wrong

Lorenzo . . . After five semesters together, I thought we had something special. Then you go off on your hot girl summer and don’t even remember who I am anymore. What happened to all the times I sat in silence as you begged us to participate, because I was scared? All the times I didn’t visit you in office hours, because I was scared? All the times I made accidental eye contact with you and then ran out of the classroom, because I was, you guessed it, scared? Well, SFU might want you back . . . but I certainly don’t. 

  1. That one group of people walking who take up the whole hallway

How did you manage to make so many friends in the first place? How much did they cost? Is this the skill that got you accepted here? My best friend on campus is Oscar the trash-sorting AI. He’s the one person in my life to NEVER mistake me for garbage. He clearly stated I was compostable.

  1. The quarter-ply toilet paper

You’re lactose intolerant. You know you’re lactose intolerant. And you still chose to eat the creamiest, most dairy-filled pasta of your life. You have only one thing to clean yourself up with: the thinnest sheet of toilet paper since 12 BCE. Just like my ex-girlfriend, it’s barely even there for me. Whoever invented SFU’s quarter-ply made a serious breakthrough, if you know what I mean. 

  1. Saywell Hall stairs

This staircase serves as a very unwanted reminder of how unfit I am. The smug, ever-present bane of my existence. I’ll keep a long story short: these stairs just seem . . .  to ruin my day.

  1. SFUNET-SECURE, the slowest Wi-Fi in history

Disgusting that SFU keeps bringing you back. How am I supposed to watch The Office during lecture if the screen takes five years to load? At least I can climb the Saywell stairs faster than the Wi-Fi ever could.

  1. Me

Why am I here?