Written by Dominic Wildebee
VANCOUVER, B.C. — Last Thursday evening, a local straight man intervened in a beer pong dispute, telling all four participants that a gay male guest was fully entitled to blow into the cup to get the thrown ping-pong ball out and stop the other team from scoring.
The straight man in question was Hunter Blaine, 22, a lifelong resident of the Metro Vancouver area. Blaine was attending a housewarming party in Langley, a city known for its population of one straight white man and one straight white woman run through a photocopier 13,000 times each. When he arrived with a Corona in hand, the critical beer pong round was already underway on the house’s patio.
“When Addison [Editor’s note: the one gay man in attendance] blew into the cup, I know I was being kinda fucked up — I was one of the guys yelling, ‘Only girls can blow!’” one anonymous guest confided to The Peak. “But Hunter, man! My boy stepped up and declared it a legal move. He was like, ‘It’s 2019, buddy — ANYONE can blow.’”
Blaine’s novel gesture of kindness to the gay community was met with a clamorous round of applause, generated partially by the rapid-fire high-fives he received from his boys.
Though the blower in question, Addison Leung, appreciated the gesture, he told The Peak that he felt the impressed partygoers’ cheers were somewhat premature.
“What they all failed to realize is that when that happened, Blaine was only one Corona deep,” Leung explained. Apparently, once the heterosexual man was two Coronas deep, the situation quickly deteriorated.
Responding to fellow partygoer Carter Chester’s repeated midnight cries of “TARPS OFF,” a drunken Blaine joined the other guests in ripping off his enormous cutoff shirt. Skin now fully exposed, his allyship simply evaporated off his sweat-stained body into the stale, boozy wind.
Reportedly, Blaine spent the rest of the night doing two things: questioning various women at the party on whether the cop show Brooklyn Nine-Nine “really needed” a gay protagonist, and questioning various women at the party on whether they, themselves, “really needed” to be gay.