Written by: Winona Young, Staff Writer
Illustrated by: Siloam Yeung
OMFG! Hey you, #thirsty girls, gals, and non-binary pals, we’ve got a scoop for you. After months of Insta-stalking, and checking out every corner of our uni, we’ve found SFU’s new hottest catch of the month.
Meet your new #bae: the Ominous Koi Fish in the AQ Pond!
Here are the bachelor’s details:
- Name: Simon Fisher
- Age: 20
- Pronouns: He/him/his
- Relationship status: Most likely single
- Neighbourhood: Underneath the AQ bridge (the hottest up-and-coming area!)
- Major: Aquatic sustainability
- Length: 38.1cm
- Star sign: Pisces
- Diet: (Non-vegetarian) Bread, plants, animals, occasionally other koi fish
- Dream Date: Cheeky dip in the water!
- First kiss: Doesn’t have lips
- Smokes: No
- Drinks: Yes (only water)
- Turn-offs: Suffocating
- Celebrity crush: Mackerelmore
- Best feature: His wide, gaping mouth
- Will swipe right if: You’re the pond witch who can turn him human à la Little Mermaid stylez
- Freaky fear: Getting eaten by another koi fish.
- Is looking for: More food
In case of accidental Koi fish death, the search for next month’s HAWTEST SFU bachelor has already begun!
Possible new cuties on campus:
- Mysterious blue pyramid at AQ Courtyard
- King of the Squirrels
- Adventurous bird that flew right inside Harbour Centre
- A hawt guy you see lined up for the bus to UBC