Written by: Winona Young, Staff Writer
Illustrated by: Siloam Yeung

OMFG! Hey you, #thirsty girls, gals, and non-binary pals, we’ve got a scoop for you. After months of Insta-stalking, and checking out every corner of our uni, we’ve found SFU’s new hottest catch of the month.

Meet your new #bae: the Ominous Koi Fish in the AQ Pond! 

Here are the bachelor’s details: 

• Name: Simon Fisher
• Age: 20 
• Pronouns: He/him/his
• Relationship status: Most likely single
• Neighbourhood: Underneath the AQ bridge (the hottest up-and-coming area!)
• Major: Aquatic sustainability
• Length: 38.1cm
• Star sign: Pisces
• Diet: (Non-vegetarian) Bread, plants, animals, occasionally other koi fish 
• Dream Date: Cheeky dip in the water!
• First kiss: Doesn’t have lips 
• Smokes: No
• Drinks: Yes (only water) 
• Turn-offs: Suffocating 
• Celebrity crush: Mackerelmore
• Best feature: His wide, gaping mouth
• Will swipe right if: You’re the pond witch who can turn him human à la Little Mermaid stylez
• Freaky fear: Getting eaten by another koi fish.
• Is looking for: More food

In case of accidental Koi fish death, the search for next month’s HAWTEST SFU bachelor has already begun! 

Possible new cuties on campus:

• Mysterious blue pyramid at AQ Courtyard
• King of the Squirrels
• Adventurous bird that flew right inside Harbour Centre 
• A hawt guy you see lined up for the bus to UBC