SFU HOTTIE – July Profile

Is this Koi Fish single? The Peak spills the juicy deets!

Illustration by Siloam Yeung

Written by: Winona Young, Staff Writer
Illustrated by: Siloam Yeung

OMFG! Hey you, #thirsty girls, gals, and non-binary pals, we’ve got a scoop for you. After months of Insta-stalking, and checking out every corner of our uni, we’ve found SFU’s new hottest catch of the month.

Meet your new #bae: the Ominous Koi Fish in the AQ Pond! 

Here are the bachelor’s details: 

  • Name: Simon Fisher
  • Age: 20 
  • Pronouns: He/him/his
  • Relationship status: Most likely single
  • Neighbourhood: Underneath the AQ bridge (the hottest up-and-coming area!)
  • Major: Aquatic sustainability
  • Length: 38.1cm
  • Star sign: Pisces
  • Diet: (Non-vegetarian) Bread, plants, animals, occasionally other koi fish 
  • Dream Date: Cheeky dip in the water!
  • First kiss: Doesn’t have lips 
  • Smokes: No
  • Drinks: Yes (only water) 
  • Turn-offs: Suffocating 
  • Celebrity crush: Mackerelmore
  • Best feature: His wide, gaping mouth
  • Will swipe right if: You’re the pond witch who can turn him human à la Little Mermaid stylez
  • Freaky fear: Getting eaten by another koi fish.
  • Is looking for: More food

 

In case of accidental Koi fish death, the search for next month’s HAWTEST SFU bachelor has already begun! 

Possible new cuties on campus:

  • Mysterious blue pyramid at AQ Courtyard
  • King of the Squirrels
  • Adventurous bird that flew right inside Harbour Centre 
  • A hawt guy you see lined up for the bus to UBC
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