Seven Deadly Roommate Sins

Seven ways to be a roommate straight out of Dante’s Inferno

Illustration by Alice Zhang

Written by: Ana Staskevich, Staff Writer
Illustration by: Alice Zhang 

These seven cardinal vices have been around since the dawn of time, thriving and festering in  our man-made world. Who better to embody them but broke, stressed, and caffeine-addicted students that are paying over $800 per month to share tiny closets in Vancouver? Nothing exemplifies “depraved souls” better than unwashed dishes and stolen leftovers. Thus, the sins committed by roommates can be of the utmost evil. Who knows, maybe you are guilty of them too.

 

Pride: Throwing a massive party on a school night without telling your other roommates.

 

Listen, to me, home is a place where everyone is lit AF and there is hella booze. C’mon, I am not going to miss out on the PERFECT college experience! I am a PARTY GOD, I run this shit; it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to get hung-over! Oh, you’ll be hung-over? IDGAF! Stop complaining about your exam and join in!

 

Wrath: Locking your roommate out of the apartment because they didn’t buy toilet paper when they promised too.

You want us to live like animals, you disgusting, lying monster! WHO the FUCK do you think you are making a sacred toliet paper promise to me then NOT following through. Don’t have toilet paper?! Then freeze to death outside in your toilet paperless world.

 

Envy: Bad-mouthing your roommate behind their back because the dog likes them more than you.

 

Honestly, Flipper only comes to you because you keep sharing your breakfast with him every morning! You’re not special, he’s a freaking DOG. . . I would never share my avocado toast with him, do you think millennials have that kind of money to waste?

 

Greed: “Borrowing” your roommate’s stuff without asking and “forgetting” to give it back.

 

Look, I don’t care that this fedora was your great-great-great-grandpa’s or whatever . . . we both know it looks better on me! Ugh, stop trying to break into my closet, you obsessed stalker!

 

Lust: Bringing your obnoxious Tinder date over in the middle of the night in an apartment with paper-thin walls and little privacy . . .

 

I am THRILLED to be getting into this person’s pants, OK?! I am sure your essay, which you told me was due at 11:59 p.m., can wait. You think your GPA is more important than me finding my other half for a single night? SO selfish!

 

Gluttony: Eating your roommate’s leftovers while knowing damn well that it’s theirs and they plan to eat it later.

 

I was drunk and hungry at like 10 p.m., and that half-eaten burrito from Guadalupe looked really, really good. Did you want me to STARVE?! Stop bitchin’ about it, Bethany!

 

Sloth: Avoiding washing the dishes on your designated week and letting them pile up in the sink as part of your trash collection.

 

Look, it’s almost like an artistic choice . . . do you really believe Pablo Picasso was a clean person? Vincent Van Gogh? I doubt it! The filth helps my creativity FLOW . . . but I mean, you’re free to clean it up if you want to.

 

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