Cryptids of SFU

A cryptozoologist enters SFU; what he finds will shock and amaze you

Photo curtesy of rolexforums

Written by: Ahmed Ali

Exploratory Journal of Unconfirmed Science  

May 20th of the year 2019

I, Count Henry Hamilton Reginald III, embarked on a bone-chilling adventure into one of the world’s most isolated environments: The Mysterious Mountain of Simon Fraser. As the cryptozoologist spearheading this expedition, I intended to investigate the plethora of monstrous creatures who reside in the foggy shadows, but the cryptids I unveiled were so much more than myth.

Over-Achiever in the Basement

Bootecem Lickatus

Estimated Population: 2 per semester

Danger Level: May attack if it feels it’s study spot is threatened.
Habitat: The William Andrew Cecil Bennett library basement

Creature description: With a diet of mostly coffee with large amounts of sugar, these rare specimens are seen to be constantly reviewing indecipherable lines of chemistry, usually under the inane drive of getting into med school. In the cutthroat, dog-eat-dog world of science, where 40% is the average grade, you may stumble across a creature forced into the complete solitude of endless studying to maintain perfect grades. They have adapted to their no-calorie diet by remaining sedentary, hoarding study rooms for entire semesters, and sulking about on that bottom floor.  

Miniaturium Horrorous

Estimated Population: Unconfirmed  

Danger Level: Unfathomable danger to those who wish to stay in adulthood

Habitat: 5th Floor AQ

Details: According to urban legends (all denounced by the official SFU website), children who become separated from their summer camp groups terrorize students on the fifth floor of the AQ. On nights when a student has found themselves in a dimly lit empty stretch of the AQ, they have turned to see a small, pinnie-wearing child. With a haunted look in their eyes, the child whispers, “I want to be like you when I grow up.” Students who have encountered this creature have said the only course of action is to run away, for if the child touches you, it’s rumoured they take your place as an adult, and you become the ghost.

The Grade Sucker

Evanescet Discipulus

Estimated Population: Uncountable. They keep themselves hidden until it’s too late

Danger Level: Could cause you to lose your mind when you cannot get a hold of them.

Habitat: Not the study room where the whole fucking group agreed to meet, apparently!

Details: One of the rarest specimens to ever supposedly exist, this creature is said to appear once, and only once, when a teacher says to get into groups. It’s said that one will know who this is when they disappear off the face of the earth after the first or second meeting, along with any pencils or notebooks you lent them that will never be returned. While not the most dangerous, they will enrage students and cultivate deep trust issues in humanity that the students will carry long into their future lives. So tread with caution…