Written by: Hannah Davis
This is an ode to the one-night stand!
To the people who’ve gone home
With some random person
And a one night break for your hand.
Ever been surprised by a condom in your hair,
Or gone to bed in a stranger’s shirt?
Has a booty call ever given you taxi fare
After losing your wallet at the Fortune concert?
Picture this: you wake at the break of dawn
You’re confused ‘cause you’re not in your bed
Unsuccessfully stifling a giant yawn,
You wish that last night you’d gone home instead.
Why is this room so unfamiliar and strange?
Oh yes! You met someone at the bar.
Sharing a flirtatious, drunken exchange,
You seduced them into a taxi car.
Remembering the night before,
Your SWEET moves on the dance floor,
The lights were bright, the music loud
Your eyes LOCKED with someone in the crowd.
You approached one another
Like a slow-motion movie scene
The space between you
Face-to-face, you could see each pore
And the sweat beads on their nose
They wore sandals out that night
So you could also see their toes
They remind you of a Grecian statue except
They’re drunker and not made of stone.
It was then that you realized you’d be doing
something your parents wouldn’t condone.
Of what was specifically said that night,
you can’t remember much
But somehow, (amazingly) your advances worked,
Even though your conversation flowed as such:
What’s your name?
I said, what’s your name?
I was just asking what your name is . . .
Can you hear me?
*awkward nod and smile*
*reply with awkward nod and smile, glance at ceiling*
I like this song
I’ve never heard it before
Oh sorry, I interrupted you
No, you didn’t interrupt me
Do you want to vape?
No thank you
That’s a cool shirt
Thanks. It’s from Walmart
I get clothes from Walmart too
It’s a good place to get clothes
You launched your face forward
For that first, tender kiss
Your lips and faces move out of sync
You ignore that you REALLY have to piss.
When the sexual tension became way too high
You suavely said “your place or mine?”
Trying this sexy trick you read in Cosmo:
You ran ice cubes down their spine.
You flagged a taxi and hopped inside,
Then were taken to this stranger’s place
“We have to be quiet, my roommate’s home”
They tell you with a grave face.
You stumble in and they go “shhhh”
You said “I’m being as quiet as I can”.
Then you finally made it to their room
And see a GIANT poster of Anchorman.
Unnerved, you bumped your head
on the wall and let out a squeak.
The sound you made was mistook for
A pleasure-induced-orgasm shriek.
After a long and sweaty six minutes
You both collapsed, semi-fulfilled
Falling asleep, you started dreaming
Of a sexual encounter with someone skilled.
You snap out of your reverie
and come back to the present
You’ll tell your friends your night was SICK
But it was really just mostly pleasant
Next to you, your night’s lover snoozes
like an angel with a bad sinus infection:
“That person with whom
I had a brief sexual connection”
Sneaking out, you whisper farewell
Send a thank-you text for the average sex
This one-night stand met expectations
But what about the one that comes next?