By: Simrin Purhar
Manager: Corporate called and wants us to make “collaboration” our new mantra. Repeat after me, “Collaboration equals productivity!”
Snarky Millennial: Are you talking about collaboration or a cult?
Manager: I’m going to ignore what you just said.
Snarky Millennial: For your information, The Economist released a strong and believable case against collaboration. They call it a curse on workplace productivity.
Manager: Well, you’re wrong — and that’s not a very collaborative attitude. Does anyone have anything positive to say?
Soccer Mom: I support collaboration. My eight-year-old just did a photo collaboration at school that shows what he did over winter break.
Manager: No, er — I think you’re talking about a collage, not collaboration.
Newly Graduated Arts Major: I do the best picture collaborations. You should see the one I made my boyfriend for our three-month anniversary.
Manager: Clearly some of us don’t know the difference between collage and collaboration.
Teenage Daughter of the CEO: I think I learnt about collaborating in school. Are you and me collaborating right now because we’re both wearing white shirts and black pants?
Manager: That sounds like a coincidence . . . not collaboration. Can someone give me a real example?
Guy Everyone Hates For No Reason: How about when the marketing department worked together on the —
Manager: No, no, not you! Can somebody else please answer?
Snarky Millennial: Google defines collaboration as “the action of working with someone to produce or create something.”
Teenage Daughter of the CEO: If that’s what collaboration means, my dad and his old secretary used to collaborate all the time.
Manager: Finally, a real example. Can you elaborate on what they worked on and what was created as a result of the collaboration?
Teenage Daughter of the CEO: Well. . . what they worked on was sleeping together. And what they created is my half-sister and a vacation home for my mom and dad’s divorce lawyer.
Manager: . . .
Newly Graduated Arts Major: . . .
Soccer Mom: . . .
Guy Everyone Hates For No Reason: . . .
Snarky Millennial: . . . I think you mean classless or crappy situation . . . not collaboration.
