By: Gabrielle McLaren, Editor-in-Chief
BURNABY, B.C. — SFU Security has confirmed an increasing amount of calls from tenured professors regarding threats to their superiority in the classroom, as early as November 7.
“At first I thought I was just slipping because of the carpal tunnel syndrome I have from years of groundbreaking research and publishing,” economics professor Al Douglas, who has personally placed nine distress calls, told The Peak. “Then I realized I was just as terrifyingly stern and intimidating as always in my lucky tweed jacket. It was the millennials. Something about them had . . . changed.”
“It didn’t make sense at first,” said the first SFU Security employee who would talk that The Peak could find. “The first call came from an ENGL 100 lecture, a class we didn’t even know students needed to attend to pass. And yet the professor sounded scared for their superiority complex.”
When personnel arrived on the scene, they found the professor struggling to explain to a blue-haired student how The Lord of the Flies, a book about a cluster of middle-to-upper class white British school children, offers the sharpest insight into the heart of humanity.
“OK Boomer,” the student eventually shrugged before swinging her pin-studded backpack on her shoulder and calmly following SFU Security out.
According to Douglas, he has been “Boomer’d” three times since the situation began. The first time had been after he’d refused to move a midterm scheduled during a climate march. The second time, he had expressed his deep-set anxieties about political correctness stifling the bulk of his personality. The most recent came after he’d advised the class that a few summers working at the club house could comfortably fund post-secondary education and at least one raunchy spring break trip.
Reportedly, the reporter that The Peak sent to Douglas’ office hours was the first person under the age of 40 to contact him since the incidents began.
“It just doesn’t feel safe to go out there anymore. The kids these days with their ripped jeans and almond milk. . . you can tell they read The Hunger Games or something. Someone told them about postcolonialism and it’s been downhill ever since,” Douglas confided to our reporter. “But I figured that I couldn’t be the only one that this is happening to. That’s how the group got started.”
According to Douglas, a group of tenure professors from multiple faculties have started meeting in an unspecific Burnaby campus location at an unspecified weekly day and time to help each other work through the advent of OK Boomer. While members aren’t sure how to cope with their students’ uprising and can’t figure out how to use TikTok to fight back alone, knowing that they’ll spend an hour without having to challenge their worldviews is a relief.
“We call it White Tower Anonymous. We take turns bringing snacks,” Douglas said. “We spend time looking through the SFU library catalogue for academic proof that trigger warnings are useless — aside from highly specific cases of ageism, such as ours. Last week, someone brought a very well-written op-ed about the millennial victimhood complex. It wasn’t peer-reviewed, but nonetheless made some fascinating observations.”
Douglas shared some additional insights of his regarding how self check-outs were at the root of millennial entitlement, but we ran out of space to print the rest.