By: Vincent Justin Mitra, Staff Writer
Following the recent snowfalls, Vancouver residents have voted the city as the snowiest city in Canada.
This comes in the wake of a four-month onslaught of snow that has left Vancouverites without warmth or shelter — other than the shelter of their own warm homes — and unable to attend their Moksha yoga classes, throwing their “centre” dangerously out of balance.
“It’s just too cold,” commented one resident. “I had to put on all three of my North Face jackets each time I wanted to go jogging this morning.”
Coffee shops, including Canadian treasure Tim Hortons, have also been impacted by the extended dip in temperatures. Recent studies have shown that purchases of iced coffee beverages in the Vancouver area have risen by 395%, five points higher than the seasonally expected 390%. “All these layers of warmth make me too sweaty,” explained one customer. “I like buying something that cools me down.”
Meanwhile the city continues to enforce their new “Hold the Salt” initiative, asking local restaurants to empty their salt shakers onto the streets to help the city’s lone, overworked snow plow. Residential roads and sidewalks continue to be mostly uncleared.
“This is unsafe! The city should do something about this,” said one resident about his own unshoveled sidewalk, as he stomped on it until it turned to ice.
Additionally, members of local hate groups continue to be rushed to hospitals to undergo treatment for hypothermia and exposure. According to witnesses, the individuals had spent several hours shouting at the sky in unprompted anger at the falling snow. One member was heard repeatedly insisting that he was “stronger than the weak leftist beta cuck snowflakes” shortly before passing out.
Meteorologists say that Jack Frost will continue nipping at our ankles, with forecasts calling for at least 28,000 acres of snow before the end of 2019, primarily focused on areas between where you are and where you need to be, and on the sidewalks of assholes.
