Woohoo: Croc tops

The crop top: Honey, I shrunk the T-shirt in the wash and it actually looks pretty cute now.

This top is a symbol of freedom, liberating lower abdomens and absolving body complexes everywhere. Check this belly out, baby! White crop tops make me feel like an elven queen wandering through the forests in her large feminist kingdom, looking for hot forest nymph babes to make out with.

We all have dreams, and the crop top always helps bring me a little closer to mine. The crop top is also Lara Croft’s go-to garment, and I absolutely love that “I am fully capable of killing you right now” aesthetic. The crop top is also great because it barely takes up any space; I have 300 crop tops in my backpack right now! What? What do you mean it’s strange that I have a bag purely filled with crop tops? Diversity is the spice of life!

Boohoo: Baby crocs

Look, it’s not that I’m denying that baby crocs look great. Baby crocs do look great. Crocs were made for babies — crocs become art when tastefully matched with the baby. The shoes reveal just the right amount of cute, fat baby foot to effectively entrance and seduce. The croc is a modern revolution in babywear.

My issue with baby crocs is that they’re everywhere: lying suspiciously in parks, beaches, and on sidewalks. Who are all these babies? Where do all these crocs come from? What happens to lone baby crocs once their partner has been lost?  Why do these babies keep losing their crocs? At this rate, the whole city is going to become covered in baby crocs and we will all descend into chaos. Baby crocs will flood the streets, the sea, the lakes, the parks, and the lives of unsuspecting citizens.

The a-croc-alypse is coming.