1) Don’t google your symptoms. Ever. Or watch House. And for the love of God, do not do both simultaneously unless you want to end up in the ER at three a.m. with some erroneous phantom disease.

2) If someone hurts your feelings, don’t dwell on it. As my friend Joe always tells me, just punch them in the dick (or tit) and go get some fucking ice cream.

3) Alcohol isn’t a quick fix for problems — most of the time.

4) Don’t over think things. Keep it simple, stupid.

5) Let me be the first to tell you: your douchey crush, whom you want to believe is ‘different,’ is more than likely just a douche.

6) Sleep heals a lot of ills. Nothing good happens when you’re overtired. Seriously though, if you find yourself morphing into an angry, bitchy, evil gremlin past 1 a.m., you’re not alone. Go to bed; there isn’t a bottle of wine, genitalia, or impending assignment worth missing out on your snooze time for.

7) Just because someone doesn’t perceive the world in the way that you do doesn’t make them any less of a great person. Just because someone is a great person doesn’t mean you can’t cut them the fuck out of your life if they’re not enriching it.

8) People show you very quickly exactly who they are. Be brave and respect yourself enough to accept it. Don’t waste your time trying to change people.

9) For the love of God, go to class! You’re paying for your education, nimrod. That joint and Netflix will still be there when you get home.

10) Don’t shame yourself for speaking your mind, having feelings, or changing your mind. Don’t let anyone make you doubt yourself for doing any of these things; if they do they’re probably shitty people and you should just go rule the world or something. Peasants.

11) Don’t count your calories. Eat what you like, eat well, smile, and shut the fuck up about it. Stop torturing yourself.

12) Know when to let go. (Hint: as soon as you ask yourself if it’s time to let go, it’s probably time to let go.)