Boohoo: Pizza Pockets

After years of genetically modifying calzones in a mildew-covered basement, a hideous monster is born: the Pizza Pocket.

Pizza Pockets are essentially highly noxious cheese farts wrapped up like fat little gremlins in a swaddle of greasy dough. Whenever I eat them, I feel like a baby bird cawing away, eager for its mother to vomit into its mouth (and I wouldn’t be surprised if I was literally eating pre-chewed earthworms — the ingredients of Pizza Pockets are basically a military secret).

Pizza Pockets don’t even pretend to be delicious, either, since they know that you’ve already hit rock bottom eating them. After those little poop-sacks are chucked into the microwave, they immediately explode into a crime scene of cheese and self-loathing, and then arrogantly expect you to shove their mangled existence into your mouth. I won’t stand for your abuse anymore, Pizza Pockets.

Woohoo: Pizza in your pockets

Pizza in your pockets! A cool snack and great quirk — who wouldn’t want to be known as the babe with the pizza in their pockets? It’ll be a quirk you’re actually proud of, as opposed to that other quirk you have of being a nervous farter (you’ll never forget that one time at summer camp where you went in to kiss Victor for the first time and ripped one so loud that he ended up crying with fear).

Pocket pizza will make you the hippest cat on the block, like John Travolta in Grease and, incidentally, just as greasy as John Travolta in Grease. Just carry a few slices of ‘za at all times, and you’ll always be ready for action.

“Is that pizza in your pocket or are you happy to see me?” It’s both, of course! You’re always happy when you’ve got pizza in your pockets.