SPOOF: Five ways to get your TA all hot and bothered over you!

[dropcap]Y[/dropcap]ou’ve been eyeing up your sexy TA for weeks, your insides squirming at the thought of wrapping yourself around that curving, voluptuous body, or pressing your face against that chiseled, scholarly jaw. The thought of becoming your TA’s top pupil drives you insane; you’re torn apart by the thought of not expressing your true feelings to those dark, seductive eyes. You don’t want your classmates to know, so how can you subtly drive your TA wild over you?


Leave your name off your essay:

This is a fine way to play hard-to-get. Nothing fires a TA up like if he or she is left guessing which mystery someone wrote on “The Benefits of Decentralized Federalism.” Your TA will be left with furrowed eyebrows, swearing passionately as he or she flips open the attendance list to seek out yours truly. Once found, you’ll be on your crush’s radar — there’s something unique about you. In place of your name, it might be helpful to leave a simple question mark, followed by a winky face.


Don’t do any of your assigned course readings:

As your lover gazes into your eyes and politely asks you if you remember which prime minister was discussed on page 42, paragraph three, simply respond with a breathy, “Oh dear! I really don’t remember! But I’d love for you to tell me!” Your TA just might clench his or her jaw in that sexy way you love so much, or groan a little — giving you an extra something to fantasize about.


Arrive at your tutorial hungover:

Spend a night popping back one or two extra drinks! The massive headache you’ll feel in tomorrow’s lab will pale in comparison to the pleasurable touch of your TA’s hand on your shoulder while they shake you awake. Make sure to grasp their hand and let them know that you’ve had a terrible night, but everything’s going to be okay. Ignore the shifty looks from your other classmates — they’re just jealous.


Repeatedly ask your TA for clarification:

Pretending not to understand the concepts (or perhaps truly not understanding the concepts) is fantastic way to make your TA grumble under his or her breath with a deep, heated lust. The more you ask your TA to clarify concepts — especially ones that were explained multiple times over — the louder and more bothered your crush will become. Who knows? Your steamy TA might even point at you and scream out your name!


Email your TA to express how you feel:

Of course, what would drive your TA absolutely insane over you would be if you sent him or her a passionate email divulging your true feelings, using phrases such as “I’ve been longing,” “so sexy,” “get over here,” and “I need you right now!” Your feisty TA will respond with ultimate affection though a strongly worded response message. Damn, you love a TA who has a good business-professional vocabulary — nevermind the fact that you may be booted from the class entirely and given an “F” on your transcript. (It’s the sexiest letter in the alphabet.)