[dropcap]It’s 2016.[/dropcap] A new year, a new you, and most importantly, a new body! And the gym is the best place to meet single and sexy men for your other New Yearís resolution: finding a boyfriend. Two birds, one stone, am I right? Take this quiz to find out who your gym swolemate is!
Q1. Your dream man is at the squat rack. What is he doing?
a. Maintaining uncomfortable eye contact while making rhythmic hip motions.
b. Looking for the nearest mirror and GRUNTING!
c. Doing bicep curls. But it’s not your business right? Oh wait, you look again and he’s making a list of all the ways you can improve on your deadlifts.
d. Doing squats. . . what else would he be doing?
Q2. What sort of. . . equipment is he packing?
a. Axe bodyspray, Ray-Bans, and a waist trainer. Oh, and a bulge. Yeah, one of those as well.
b. A wind blowing machine, a photographer, and a steaming vat of body oil.
c. A GNC’s worth of supplements. No, he knows exactly what each of them is for, but the better question is, missy, why aren’t you taking any?
d. Get your mind out of the gutter! He has a sensible 32 GB iPod classic and a water bottle from his old high school.
Q3. What is your gym boo wearing?
a. A stringy piece of cloth that equally resembles a tanktop or an overstretched thong. This nipple-revealing piece of cloth is so unnecessary that it is almost as if he wants to have an excuse to strip off completely later.
b. Literally just a jockstrap.
c. A full Adidas jogging suit with matching trainers. Tell him that this is a gym and not a middle school track meet. He’ll groan about how women at the gym are so focused on appearance.
d. Ratty nike shorts and a baggy white T-shirt.
Q4. What do you and your swolemate do after the gym?
a. Do another kind of. . . workout.
b. Craft an inspirational caption for his daily gym Insta. No you silly rabbit, it’s not for him, it’s for his followers.
c. Make a list of all the things you (no, just you) need to work on for next time.
d. Maybe take a shower, eat a meal. Go to work?
If you picked mostly A’s then you’ve picked the fuckboy. This “stud” has one thing in mind and that is convincing you of how privileged you are to be the object of his erec. . . I mean affection.
If you picked mostly B’s, then you wound up with the Insta douche. Let’s be clear: in order to even get his number, your fitness-inspired Instagram should be on point. But don’t expect to poach followers off of him. At most you can look forward to getting an occasional tag. #swolemate for life.
If you picked mostly C’s then this guy has some tips for how you can do quizzes better. You should try focusing more on the big picture, being less hysterical, and seeing things from other people’s (read: his) point of view. #notallquizzes.
If you picked mostly D’s, then this is not the D for you. This guy is interested in working out and doesn’t understand that the gym is just an IRL Tinder. Shame on him for wanting to get fit.