Mmm, nothing screams “comfort food” like a plate of fried chicken accompanied by a stack of homemade waffles. However, since variety is the tequila of life, we’re taking this old favourite and giving it a fresh start by pairing the chicken and waffles with a pool of store-bought ranch dressing. You might think we’re being sacrilegious by making changes to a classic, but don’t dismiss it until you’ve tried it.
Yield: four regular servings, or one drunk serving.
- 2 eggs
- 2 ½ cups of flour
- A bunch of milk
- Maybe some oil?
- Probably salt. Every recipe always needs salt for some reason
- Oh, and probably some baking powder. Or is it baking soda? Maybe do half a tablespoon of each, just to be safe.
- Link to KFC’s website
- Credit card number
- Bottle of ranch from your pantry that you don’t really remember buying but presumably it’s still good because who’s ever heard of a bottle of ranch expiring
1. Carelessly crack both eggs into a large bowl, making sure at least a few egg shells land in the mixture.
2. Beat eggs until fluffy.
3. Laugh at the combination of words “beat eggs.”
4. Add in the remaining waffle ingredients, taking time to laugh at the word “beat” again.
5. Be reminded of Beats by Dre and wonder whatever happened to him.
6. Google “Dr. Dre” on your phone and be surprised that Andre “Dr. Dre” Young is 50 years old.
7. See a pop-up ad that for some reason reminds you of your ex.
8. Click on your phone’s “Contacts” and start typing your ex’s name.
9. Hit “Call.”
10. Add the remaining waffle ingredients and continue mixing the batter until you get his or her voicemail.
11. Leave a mostly incoherent message, and then cap it all off with your favourite line from T-Swift’s “Bad Blood.” (You know the one.)
12. Head over to your computer and place an order for the chicken.
13. Since your Internet
browser’s already open, swing by your ex’s Facebook page.
14. Spend the next half an hour mindlessly browsing Facebook, while occasionally checking your phone for any missed calls from the driver.
15. Meet the driver at the door and say you’ll be paying with debit.
16. Try to hide your embarrassment when your card is declined; offer to pay with credit instead.
17. Return inside and spray cooking oil on a preheated waffle iron, then pour enough batter to make one waffle.
18. Become distracted long enough to burn the waffle.
19. Continue muttering “shit” while you attempt to scrape off the burnt parts of the waffle.
20. Utter a final “shit” then hang your head in regret.
21. Toss half of the bucket of chicken on a single plate, ensuring there’s enough room left for your mountain of ranch sauce.
22. Let the ranch flow onto your plate like the regret you currently feel.
23. Consider where you are and the life choices you’ve made that led you to this point.