SQUAMISH – Local hiker Bob Jamison has finally found the Sasquatch, stumbling into him on a hiking trip. Bigfoot, or “Foot” as he likes to be called, was found “just chilling” watching television and drinking beer.
“To be quite honest, it was kind of stupid,” said Jamison. “I mean he was just sitting on a couch, a couch in the middle of the forest, where there are literally no couches, watching TV. How do you miss him? It’s like he wasn’t even trying.”
Upon being found, Bigfoot was reported to have said, “You got me man, you got me,” before returning to his nap.
“He looked like he was going to attack for me for second but then he just said, ‘Screw it’ and went to sleep. It was kind of pathetic,” added Jamison.
Perhaps most notably, Jamison had captured detailed pictures of the Sasquatch along with video evidence, a never previously accomplished feat. However, the American Bigfoot Watchers Association (ABWA) claims this disproves the sighting.
“Didn’t you notice that he’s not blurry?” asked president of the ABWA and self-proclaimed Sasquatch expert Alex T. Poklevich. “That’s like his trademark man, do you think Bigfoot would just forget to be blurry? He didn’t for us.”
An anonymous member of the ABWA stated that Poklevich was just concerned for their jobs.
“It’s pretty hard being a Bigfoot hunter if he actually exists, I mean people will believe us now,” he said. “I’ll probably have to find other work, maybe a government conspiracy nut, the History channel has shows on that, right?”
When asked to comment, Bigfoot said he was shocked, claiming that he put a lot of effort into hiding from humanity, only to be found lazing around at his home.
“I took all the precautions, you know. I disguised myself in public, when I went to the store I wore my fake mustache and glasses, pretended to read giant newspapers, I did everything right.”
When asked how his life will change as a result of this newfound exposure, “Foot” responded, “I’ll have to be more careful when I eat people . . . and I’ll probably have to pay for cable now.”
Yawn.