KALAMAZOO, MI — A man received some startling medical news yesterday morning which has left him scrounging through newspapers, franticly visiting psychics and downloading dozens of Horoscope Facebook apps, praying that Capricorns like him are compatible with Cancers.
“It really caught me off guard,” explained Paul Hewlett, who was born January 19, 1975 and recently diagnosed with acute lymphocytic leukemia. “I haven’t really thought about my zodiac sign since I was a teenager trying to use a fake ID, but now my life could really depend on it.”
According to Hewlett, after being informed about his cancer diagnosis over the phone by his doctor, he immediately hung up to get to the bottom of his problem.
“At first I was like, no big deal, because I knew for a fact that Capricorns were compatible with Leukemias, but when I found out it was actually a Cancer, I got a little nervous,” Hewlett recalled, saying that he had an ex-girlfriend who was a Cancer and that she was ‘a real pain’.
“So I started my research almost immediately” Hewlett continued, saying he picked up the first newspaper horoscope he could get a hold of. “I found out a lot about myself: that I was a hard-worker who’s generally pretty friendly but at times can be a bit oblivious . . . but for some reason I couldn’t find any concrete answers!
“Everything I read was just you ‘might receive some interesting news’ or some bullshit like that — never any specifics, no practical advice, it’s like these things could’ve been written for anybody!”
Hewlett then says he decided to take his problem more seriously and went on to the internet for advice, but was met with similar difficulties.
“One site would say that Cancers and Capricorns could come together to create a very stable and long-lasting relationship,” Hewlett explained, “but then the next would say that since they’re both Cardinal signs that it could be ‘a catalyst for some dynamite conflicts’, and I definitely don’t want that .”
After hours online, Hewlett was unable to find a consensus among the thousands of totally legitimate Astrology webpages currently in existence, and began panicking that he was definitely going to die.
“Things really took a turn for the worse when I came across a website where I wasn’t even considered a Capricorn but was an Aquarius, which really freaked me out because I’m pretty sure my friend’s dad died of Aquarius.”
It was at this moment that Hewlett decided to stop wasting his time with silly horoscopes and take some real effective action by praying to God that his cancer will be okay.
Hewlett’s doctor has been unable to reach him despite several phone calls and voicemail messages, but he did tell The Peak that his patient has been dealing with his problem completely wrong and that if people really want to do something about their medical problems they shouldn’t waste their time with astrology or religion but simply look up their symptoms on WebMD to put their mind at complete ease.
