Jobs:
SFU’s Communications Department is seeking a motivated, hard-working graduate student to work as a Teaching Assistant for a 100-level class. Applicants must NOT BE FLUENT IN ENGLISH, must speak with a HEAVY ACCENT and of course, must have a VERY LIMITED KNOWLEDGE OF COURSE MATERIAL. Social skills and interest in subject matter are NOT REQUIRED but having a total disdain for helping students and punctuality are HIGHLY ENCOURAGED.
To apply please send your resume to us over a series of tweets. I know it’s terribly inconvenient but what are you going to do, Twitter is the future of communication.
Starbucks is hiring delusional young people to work part-time as baristas while they hopelessly pursue a career in a creative field. Hours are flexible and leaves are permitted if your funk-soul fusion collective has to go on tour.
Come in to any Starbucks and fill out an application, we have locations at . . . Hey look! There’s one beside you!
For Sale:
Looking to buy used textbook but hate the convenience of shopping online! Come buy them from me! I’ve got all the slightly wrong editions of most of the books you need and will try to sell them for a lot more than they’re worth!
Call Jody at 555-123-4567 between 3:00-3:01p.m. on Wednesdays or 6:00-6:10a.m. on Sundays and I might answer.
Personals:
Undeclared 4th-year student seeking long-term, committed relationship with an outgoing, vivacious woman. Actually, no, looking for a sweet and shy girl for a casual get-together. No, wait, I’m looking for someone who’s pretty quiet and reserved but who’s still vivacious for a casual but committed fling . . . is that possible? Because that’s what I want. No it’s not, I want a strong Latino woman to go bowling with. No, that’s not it. Shit, what do I want? You know what? Forget it, I don’t need a girlfriend yet. I’ll get it together next year for sure though.
Call Dan at 555-123-5678, wait that’s my old number, try 555-678-9012 . . . or actually just call both I still haven’t thrown away the old one anyway.
