Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Yep, this is where your astrological fortune would be, if Aries didn’t see you eyeing those slutty tarot cards last week. You know they’ve told practically everyone’s fortune, right?

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Your viewing of the Hobbit is ruined when you see how different in tone the movie is from the book. I mean, the book barely even mentions slavery, revenge-killing, or the deep south.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Expect things to be awkward with the family this week, when you accidentally Freudian slip your mother the tongue.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Mars is in retrograde this week, I don’t know what that means.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Look, the stars understand you’re angry. But to be fair to Dominos, on a bad cell connection, extra cheese does sound a lot like angry bees.

Virgo (August 23 – Sept. 23)
It looks like learning how to use doorknobs again isn’t the only thing that’s got you “stumped” this week. Hahaha, get it— Right, hasn’t happened yet.

Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)
Your thriftiness catches up with you this week when it turns out your homemade seat belts aren’t “just as good as the real thing.”

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
Your love life looks especially promising this week, as the Save-Ons has a sale on both tissue paper and rope.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
Jupiter’s in your sign in this week, coincidentally, drops of it also appear in your hair. Provided you pay the licensing fees to Train.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)
This week the stars are telling you to follow your heart, or more accurately follow that man getting away with the organ cooler.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)
While you aren’t technically operating “heavy machinery,” you still probably shouldn’t be using that vibrator under all the influence of cough syrup.

Pieces (Feb. 20 – March 20)
This week, take some time off and catch some Zs. That way you can stop referring to them as those striped African horse things.