Join the Club!

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By Rachel Braeuer and Gary Lim

New to SFU? Missed clubs day? Finding it hard to make friends? Tired of
sitting alone on Friday and Saturday night writing Link/Ganon slash-fiction?
Well I’ll bet there’s a club that can take your mind off those dirty, nerdy
thoughts! JOIN THE CLUB is a feature that showcases some of SFU’s lesser
known clubs!

This week we highlight…
The Creepy Uncle Mentorship Club!

Although a relatively new addition to the SFSS clubs roster, the creepy uncle mentorship club (CUM . . . well, that’s unfortunate) has quickly become the premier campus organization in after-school mentorship and childcare on Burnaby Mountain.

Moses Lester, club founder and president spoke to The Peak aboutthe fledgling program. “I guess it first started when I noticed a startling lack of child supervision from when classes are let out to about supper
from my windowless van,” said Lester. “It honestly surprised me how much time these supple youngsters were spending alone. Especially considering how important the preteen formative years are to a healthy psychological development. I should know, I spent my adolescence taking apart cats.”

“I founded the Creepy Uncles to give Billys [a term for mentored youth in the program] a safe place to go after school. Somewhere they can have fun, eat some candy, and just relax. Because although we might have forgotten, it’s stressful being a kid, which is why each uncle carries a variety of lotions on hand at all times to administer stress-relieving back rubs.”

Despite the name, anyone can join the club. In fact, the Creepy Uncles owe a large proportion of their membership to non-uncles, boasting the largest number of clergy members outside of the SFU Catholicism club.

When asked what plans the program had for the future, Lester responded enthusiastically, “This summer we’ll be proud to offer athletics for our young Billys. We have a team of wrestling coaches ready eager to teach the Billys a variety of grapples on the mat. A fun fact: we only started the sports program after it coincidentally turned out that a lot of the creepy uncles are or used to be gym teachers.”

CUM (again, very unfortunate) meets in the Rotunda every Tuesday, and joining the club is as easy as “telling me if you’re a cop, because if you’re a cop and you don’t tell me this is entrapment.”