Aries (March 21 – April 20)

This week will go to show that you can’t keep running from your problems forever; instead try driving at high speeds around corners.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Good news! This week you’ll finally beat that smoking habit that’s plagued you all your life, with the help of good old fashioned willpower and crystallized methamphetamines.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Problems will arise at work this week when a co-worker accidentally lets the cat out of the bag. Just when you thought you’d just finished securing the last bag for the incinerator, too.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Problems will arise this week when your hair is cut tragically short.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

In the true fashion of the lion, Leos around the world will have their uncles kill their fathers and seduce their mothers.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)

Ouch, the only lower than your spirits this week is your T-cell counts. Feel better pal.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)

The stars kind of overdid it at the zodiac office party last night, so if you could take charge of your own destiny until the coffee starts kicking in, that’d be great.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)

You know what they say, candy is dandy but not a suitable substitute for human plasma.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

Looks like Saturn is in your sign this week. Oh, and Mars and Venus too? Huh, Jupiter, Uranus and Neptune are also up there. OK, something’s not right; can someone call NASA about this?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You’re starting to think when the doctor said you were as fit as a fiddle, he was talking about your severe case of bow-leggedness.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

Not much really happens to you this week. I mean besides the harpoon thing. Boy won’t your face be red.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

Pisces failed to submit a prediction by deadline this week. So instead, please enjoy this recipe for corn bread.

Ingredients: 1 1/2 cups cornmeal; 2 1/2 cups milk; 2 cups all-purpose flour; 1 tablespoon baking powder; 1 teaspoon salt; 2/3 cup white sugar; 2 eggs; 1/2 cup vegetable oil.

Directions: Preheat oven to 200 degrees C. In a small bowl, combine cornmeal and milk; let stand for 5 minutes. Grease a 9×13 inch-baking pan. In a large bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, salt and sugar. Mix in the cornmeal mixture, eggs and oil until smooth. Pour batter into prepared pan. Bake in preheated oven for 30–35 minutes, or until a knife inserted into the center of the cornbread comes out clean.