Pictured: Seabreeze, one of the left behind, struggles to deal with an existential crisis following the horse rapture last Sunday.
By Gary Lim
The strange and long held to be impossible happened last Sunday, when approximately 14 million of the domestic and wild horses on the planet Earth were apparently raptured into the heavens above.
It began Sept. 23, 2012 2:45 a.m. EST, that was when the skies across the world suddenly lit up with the luminousity of a thousand stars and across the continents millions of horses began their skyward ascension to spend the rest of eternity in heaven with God. Bathed in the iridiscent light of the heavens, and accompanied by a choral whinnying of the pegasi, the full rapturing lasted just under five hours.
Noted equine eschatologist Miriam Cunningham spoke with The Peak, glad that someone was actually talking to her. “The coming of the end of horse days has been predicted time and again by the great horse philosophers, leaders and clergy of history. But no matter what math or reasoning they applied to it, they could never get the number of foot stamps quite right.”
“In the end it’s ironic that it turns out to be such a bolt from the blue. One can only imagine what comes next; I would imagine there would be some form of tribulation period for the stallions, mares and foals left behind. This’ll typically be a period of time for them to repent before the coming of horse apocalypse, the end of horse days. ”
Cunningham spoke further on these “left behind,” referring to the approximate 8,000 horses that had failed to rapture and were left behind to deal with the world after. Presumably these were the horses left to their fate on Earth after failing to accept the love of the horse messiah into their massive eight-pound hearts.
But while the theological implications of this rapture are astonishing in their own right, critics are already coming out of the woodwork against the government for its failure to prepare for such a scenario.
Local political pundit and radio talk show host Kenneth Cole calls the government’s failure to make preparations “unacceptable.” On his Monday show, he said, “Look, if you know there’s a chance that all the horses on Earth will be raptured into the sky, you plan for that. You make contingencies. What you don’t do is sit on your hands until the day of, and then when it finally does happen, you beg the public for some ‘understanding of extraordinary circumstances’ while you sort it all out. It’s unprofessional and sloppy. ”
Meanwhile, on the ground level, civic engineers are already dealing with the repercussions of the horse rapture. The Peak spoke to Moshe Ovitz, a general foreman at one of the hundreds of reconstruction sites across the province about the damage caused by the event.
“Granted that average horse can consume between 20 and 50 pounds of silage a day, and that a lot of these horses were unfamiliar or even downright terrified having never experienced the sensation of flying before — lets just cut to it, practically everything is coated in horse shit. So we have cleaning crews shovelling that away, and disinfection will be by later.
“But that’s not even the worst of it. As those horses were flying off to who-knows-where, they were bucking and kicking all the way up, so now we’ve got downed power-lines, broadcast arials, cellphone towers. I don’t even want to imagine what the commercial pilots were going through.“
“But reconstruction is underway and is expected to be completed by — oh fucking damn it.” continued Ovitz, spotting a raccoon gingerly float into the sky.
