SFU
Driver spontaneously evaporates while complaining about Vancouver climate strike
October 3, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor VANCOUVER, BC — On Friday afternoon, Richard Sunnyvale, 39, dissolved into vapour right in the middle of a Yaletown nightclub, to the shock of his fellow Gen X debauchees. Witnesses report that Sunnyvale had been partway through a tirade on the traffic disruptions caused by Vancouver’s Friday climate strike, one of a long series of climate change protests held internationally this month, at the time of death. Sunnyvale’s remains were not available for comment, having vanished into the air as rapidly as performative climate activism from students in SFU classrooms when the semester ends.…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: September 30–October 6
September 30, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 You might be bored to hot tears by this week’s class presentation. Channel your crazy into charity for once, and go take over the entire show from your bleary-eyed,…
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Closure cravings: My life of starting and ending romances just for the post-relationship coffee dates
September 30, 2019Written by Zoe Vedova, Peak Associate My heartbeat was frenetic that morning. It shook the blood in my veins as I gripped my phone. I’d contracted a heinous bout of emotional stability. Now, the hunger for relationship turmoil screamed through…
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SFU Hockey riots after pile of dead rats in Residences is prioritized for NCAA accreditation
September 30, 2019Written by Dylan Webb, Sports Editor The NCAA National Committee has released their list of sports programs that will receive NCAA accreditation for the 2019–20 athletics season. Among the notable additions to SFU’s already strong slate of NCAA-competing programs are…
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CONFESSIONALS: I convinced my professor to start the tapeworm diet
September 28, 2019Written by Ana Staskevich, Peak Associate Forgive me, SFU trash-panda gods, for I have sinned. Disclaimer: I’m actually a PRETTY GOOD student with a decent enough GPA — well, I’m not on academic probation, at least. And I know that…
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Quiz: Am I baby or am I just trying my best?
September 28, 2019Written by Kelly Chia, Staff Writer “Baby.” A one-word concept that has swept Twitter like renewed wildfire. The innocence, the dreaming, the heartbreak, the meme-ing . . . when that adorable little photo of Kirby points to the blackboard, millions…
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International studies student drops out because he only knows the names of countries he’s vacationed in
September 25, 2019Written by Ben McGuinness, Peak Associate SFU international studies (IS) student Blake Farther dropped out of his program as the latest victim of a common downfall: he can only name countries that he has vacationed in. Like many students of…
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Student withdraws emotionally from classes, is refunded only 50% of their emotions
September 23, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor After three weeks of struggling to love education, an SFU student withdrew emotionally from all their courses on Friday morning, choosing to not care at all for their academic performance this semester. Unfortunately, due…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: September 23–29
September 23, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 Your superiority complex is in full blossom. And you need to manifest it. Irritate your sketchiest, most unstable friend until they lop off your head and impale it on…
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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
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For promotional inquiries: [email protected]
Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]