SFU
Your weekly SFU horoscopes: October 7–October 13
October 7, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 The consequences of all your weird behaviour and cryptic glares these past weeks are finally closing in on you. Don’t you dare accept this. You’ve done no wrongs. Your moronic, uppity friends just can’t face facts and thank you for the well-deserved misfortunes you prayed would fall upon them and teach them humility. Taurus — April 20–May 20 Stand your ground on dinner plans for this week. Whether they like it or not, your friends are all coming over, and they are all bringing affection and Avalon chocolate milk.…
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Driver spontaneously evaporates while complaining about Vancouver climate strike
October 3, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor VANCOUVER, BC — On Friday afternoon, Richard Sunnyvale, 39, dissolved into vapour right in the middle of a Yaletown nightclub, to the shock of his fellow Gen X debauchees. Witnesses report that Sunnyvale had…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: September 30–October 6
September 30, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 You might be bored to hot tears by this week’s class presentation. Channel your crazy into charity for once, and go take over the entire show from your bleary-eyed,…
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Closure cravings: My life of starting and ending romances just for the post-relationship coffee dates
September 30, 2019Written by Zoe Vedova, Peak Associate My heartbeat was frenetic that morning. It shook the blood in my veins as I gripped my phone. I’d contracted a heinous bout of emotional stability. Now, the hunger for relationship turmoil screamed through…
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SFU Hockey riots after pile of dead rats in Residences is prioritized for NCAA accreditation
September 30, 2019Written by Dylan Webb, Sports Editor The NCAA National Committee has released their list of sports programs that will receive NCAA accreditation for the 2019–20 athletics season. Among the notable additions to SFU’s already strong slate of NCAA-competing programs are…
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CONFESSIONALS: I convinced my professor to start the tapeworm diet
September 28, 2019Written by Ana Staskevich, Peak Associate Forgive me, SFU trash-panda gods, for I have sinned. Disclaimer: I’m actually a PRETTY GOOD student with a decent enough GPA — well, I’m not on academic probation, at least. And I know that…
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Quiz: Am I baby or am I just trying my best?
September 28, 2019Written by Kelly Chia, Staff Writer “Baby.” A one-word concept that has swept Twitter like renewed wildfire. The innocence, the dreaming, the heartbreak, the meme-ing . . . when that adorable little photo of Kirby points to the blackboard, millions…
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International studies student drops out because he only knows the names of countries he’s vacationed in
September 25, 2019Written by Ben McGuinness, Peak Associate SFU international studies (IS) student Blake Farther dropped out of his program as the latest victim of a common downfall: he can only name countries that he has vacationed in. Like many students of…
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Student withdraws emotionally from classes, is refunded only 50% of their emotions
September 23, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor After three weeks of struggling to love education, an SFU student withdrew emotionally from all their courses on Friday morning, choosing to not care at all for their academic performance this semester. Unfortunately, due…
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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
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For promotional inquiries: [email protected]
Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]