Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
VANCOUVER, BC — On Friday afternoon, Richard Sunnyvale, 39, dissolved into vapour right in the middle of a Yaletown nightclub, to the shock of his fellow Gen X debauchees. Witnesses report that Sunnyvale had been partway through a tirade on the traffic disruptions caused by Vancouver’s Friday climate strike, one of a long series of climate change protests held internationally this month, at the time of death.
Sunnyvale’s remains were not available for comment, having vanished into the air as rapidly as performative climate activism from students in SFU classrooms when the semester ends. Despite this, bar staff managed to recount the events for The Peak.
“You know, it’s just the worst,” Sunnyvale was reportedly slurring to a bartender just before his sublimation. “These hippies feel so entitled to the goddamn streets. Can’t even drive over here in peace after work to get sloshed in my own city . . . and for what?
“If climate change were real, then tell me, how come my damn glass of IPA is still chilled like a fuckin’ beauty, eh?”
Soon after this, as the rays of the setting sun streamed into the bar through a skylight, Sunnyvale suddenly transformed into a small white haze. According to managers, staff were slow to respond as they originally confused the lingering vapour for a cucumber cloud from a Juul.
Authorities do not suspect foul play in Sunnyvale’s drastic change in state of matter — at least, no foul play beyond the rumoured consumer fraud and asset misappropriation of Big Greenhouse. However, they urge all Vancouverites to take safety measures when flagging down busy employees at bars to debrief them on personal problems, lest they, too, evaporate. Suggested measures include developing a sense of perspective on world issues and not being full of hot air.
At press time, Sunnyvale’s 2019 Corvette Stingray was still parked outside the club. A mix of climate action slogans and epitaphs for the vaporized Sunnyvale had been keyed into the chrome red paint job, including “PRIVACY IS FOR POOPING, NOT FOR TRANSPORTATION,” “GASSES TO GASSES, TAX CUTS TO TAX CUTS,” and “ugh my body is a nitrous oxide emission . . . let’s get it in the atmosphere </3”.
