Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
You might be bored to hot tears by this week’s class presentation. Channel your crazy into charity for once, and go take over the entire show from your bleary-eyed, orally challenged classmates. Scrap their original dull presentation topic and instead dictate to the class the full timeline of CupcakKe’s bizarre online breakdown-takedown against Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
You thought you’d glowed up so hard over the summer. I’m sorry to tell you that that was just the vitamin D and the warm lighting. The October rain and the nutritional wasteland of your palate are soon to wash away the glamour, revealing your real idiot mountain gnome complexion.
Gemini — May 21–June 20
This week, remember: lovers are like pumpkin spice. Their supposed identities are a front for an unstable mix of five different personalities/herbs, but we indulge in them anyway. Then we snort puka shells with the VSCO girls.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
You’ve buried your most embarrassing memories for years under layers of neoliberalism and the power of positive thinking. Now would be a good time to harvest those memories and pour them into your art. Let the shame of buying $6 chicken strips and fries from the caf’ for a grade 8 charlatan who never BBM’d you back flow through your synapses . . . let it define the nuances of your sham answers to SFU’s latest enter-to-win student experience survey.
Leo — July 23–August 22
Don’t think you owe anyone explanations or justifications this week. Just be you. And if that ends in mortgage broker fraud, so be it.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
It’s time. Pack up the summer outfits and stock your closet with an armoury of plaid buttoned tops and worn jeans. Dressing like a scarecrow until December could convince some wizard somewhere to magick you a brain for the semester.
Libra — September 23–October 22
Someone’s going to cross you this week. Don’t engage. Just stop what you’re doing, pucker up, and post a selfie to your Snap Story captioned “~if that’s your man then why did he write his SFU ID number on my pumpkin cream cold brew?~”
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
Don’t go thinking you can trust anyone with the knowledge that the SFU online library reserves have one (1) digital copy of the textbook everyone’s put off buying available — especially not in fall semester. They’ll all betray you in the end. Yes, even Phillippe with the stubbly serrated jawline.
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
Remind yourself . . . everything you do has a consequence. You can’t just knock back nine Mike’s Hard Lemonades in a dark corner of the Robert C. Brown maze, solve the spider-in-the-urinal problem, and then put on a cute sweater in the morning and move on.
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
Your sapiosexuality is going to be hard to satiate this week. Your crushes, rather than be characterized by the imagined lines borne of your anguished mind, will actually open their mouths . . . “Game of Thrones earned all nine of its Emmys.”
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
Don’t obey the impulse to get a full-body spray of pesticides done in lieu of renewing your vaccines. Yes, you might be a healthy snack for now. But what works for the mushy apples coming into season on your senile grandfather’s probably ill-gotten land is unlikely to work for you.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
Tie-dye your thrift shop purchases this week using red wine, scotch, and curaçao. It’s time your extended family learned your true colours at Thanksgiving.