Satire
“I miss my sisters,” says treasurer who can’t defraud her sorority anymore
May 25, 2020By: Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor BURNABY, BC — Gracie O’Brien, a fourth year economics student at SFU, reported in several of her group chats this week that she was really missing her sorority sisters in Iota Omicron Upsilon (IOU). As IOU’s treasurer, O’Brien has defrauded the Greek life organization of over $30,000 during her tenure, and regrets that she does not get to see her sisters and their wads of cash anymore on account of COVID-19. “Sisters nourish the soul, heal the heart, pay the mortgage,” O’Brien sighs. “I hate being away from them.” IOU has not met for Greek…
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Andrew Petter unable to leave SFU after becoming trapped in construction labyrinth of his own making
May 27, 2019Written by: Kitty Cheung, Staff Writer & Zoe Vedova, Humour Editor BURNABY, B.C. — After announcing his intent to step down from presidency in December 2018, SFU president Andrew Petter, 66, became unable to vacate his position after becoming trapped in…
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SFU student is “like, pissed” nobody is applauding them for taking one (1) summer course
May 18, 2019Written by: Winona Young, Head Staff Writer Local SFU student Ivanna Trancefer is outraged at the lack of recognition from the academic community after she enrolled in one (1) course this summer 2019 term. “Like, I don’t get why I’m…
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HUMOUR: Please consider donating to the North American Foundation For Improved Bald Eagle Literacy
November 2, 2015Please be advised that parts of what you’re about to read might be difficult for some individuals. The following contains many hard-hitting truths that not everyone will be comfortable hearing, but keep in mind that unfortunate realities are rarely easy…
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The five stages of grief Conservatives went through after hearing the election results
October 26, 2015‘Twas October 19, and I was watching what every other campus Conservative was: the Antiques Roadshow marathon. Sure, the election was happening, but I wasn’t worried about the result, as I was confident Harper would get another majority. What’s not…
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HUMOUR: American lawmakers cut out middleman, introduce guns directioly to mental wards
October 26, 2015After roughly 300 mass shootings in 2015 alone, the United States government believe they have found a solution: arm patients in mental wards. “Stay with me here,” began Jr. Senator Pistol Pete III, while polishing a Colt M16 assault rifle.…
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The erotic life of an English Student Union executive
October 19, 2015When asked what being vice-president of the English Student Union (ESU) entails, I normally launch into a tired, boring spiel about student involvement. But beneath that blither-blather is an erotic truth I hold back for fear of it sensuously overcoming…
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HUMOUR: Tech-challenged SFU professors to take mandatory workshop this spring semester
September 28, 2015There are many whimsical constants in the academic microcosm that is SFU; little idiosyncrasies which help make our engaged university the scholastic paradise we have all come to love. Whether it is the watered-down Starbucks coffee atop Burnaby Mountain or…
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HUMOUR: Planned Parenthood has funding pulled out
September 28, 2015On September 18, the American House of Representatives voted to defund Planned Parenthood for one year, in order to investigate alleged wrong-doings. For those of you unfamiliar with the organization, Planned Parenthood is one of the largest murder clinics currently…
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“We apologize for the accidental police raid on what was revealed to be just a neighbourhood sex dungeon”
September 21, 2015Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for attending this press conference on such short notice. There’s been a lot of chatter and rumours circulating on social media, and we figured it was better to address the recent events directly than have…
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