By: Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
BURNABY, BC — Gracie O’Brien, a fourth year economics student at SFU, reported in several of her group chats this week that she was really missing her sorority sisters in Iota Omicron Upsilon (IOU). As IOU’s treasurer, O’Brien has defrauded the Greek life organization of over $30,000 during her tenure, and regrets that she does not get to see her sisters and their wads of cash anymore on account of COVID-19.
“Sisters nourish the soul, heal the heart, pay the mortgage,” O’Brien sighs. “I hate being away from them.”
IOU has not met for Greek life activities since mid-March, and is unlikely to operate through the summer. During the day, O’Brien staves off her loneliness with mimosas and old photos of her fellow IOU girls. Her favourite pictures are the ones printed on their stolen drivers’ licenses.
“I’m maybe diversifying into identity theft,” she explains. “It’s really important to run side hustles and get creative since it’s total plague vibes right now.”
Surprisingly, none of O’Brien’s sisters have raised any objections to where their dues are going, shrugging it off as “solidarity always comes first.”
“I would literally die for my sisters,” says Aria Coleson, O’Brien’s little, “and shame on anyone who wouldn’t.” Coleson donated her fourth piece of pancreas to O’Brien on Friday in hopes of finally receiving a decorated paddle from her in the mail.
O’Brien’s actions have been disavowed by other Canadian sororities, including Chi Rho Alpha (better known as the CRA). Despite weathering some criticism, though, O’Brien feels that her past embezzlement is justified. She has characterized her gains as “only fair compensation” for the critical work she has done for IOU over the years.
“Look, I love these girls. And at the end of the day, they’re not paying for membership in a timeless, respected organization; they’re paying for friends. And I’m such a good friend, just look at my Snap Score.
“So honestly? As far as being defrauded by me goes? Love that for them,” she concluded.