HUMOUR: American lawmakers cut out middleman, introduce guns directioly to mental wards

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Illustration by Zach Chan

After roughly 300 mass shootings in 2015 alone, the United States government believe they have found a solution: arm patients in mental wards.

“Stay with me here,” began Jr. Senator Pistol Pete III, while polishing a Colt M16 assault rifle. “We all know that these killings are being perpetrated by madmen. That’s a fact — even the president said so. Now since there’s nothing we can do to actually stop them, we thought we should at least be more efficient.

“It’s our hope, and really all any of us can do [. . .] is hope that the good mental patients with guns will be there when the bad mental patients with guns try anything.”

With a maniacal grin, Representative Sessions concluded, “We’re calling it the Fight Firearms with Firearms/Righteous Lighting/Holy-Water Tsunami/Head ‘Em Off At the Pass Act.”

The NRA’s executive director of lobbying, Trigger Terry, added while holding two silver-plated handguns: “Lots of people who own guns in this country are crazy. Of course we oppose giving the mentally ill guns, and if it were possible to stop them from getting them we’d support laws that made that happen, but it’s not. So, we think this is a great plan.

“Think of it this way,” he said, spinning the pistols around like a wild-eyed frontier sheriff from the old west, “if I was to kill you right here and now, which obviously I could, would you rather me shoot you in the gut and watch you bleed out slow, or would you rather I put a bullet in your head nice and quick? Obviously the head, right? That’s why efficiency is so important. We don’t want to prolong the inevitable anymore. We want to shoot the country in the head, not in the gut.”

Republican presidential candidate Guhn Hapi was vocal in his support of the legislation while on the campaign trail, comparing it to his call to arm elementary schools and stating that the Act was, “Badass.”

Hapi added, “I’ve already said we should be introducing guns into environments where young people learn and grow, so obviously I support this legislation.”

The endorsement hasn’t surprised political analysts, who pointed out that the two ideas really aren’t that different. Both suggest putting guns within reach of those who are just learning or relearning how to operate in society; those who are emotional, irrational and prone to outbursts of rage, sadness, and occasionally violence; and those who sometimes cannot fathom the repercussions of their actions. Hapi concluded by saying, “Seems like a good idea to me.”

When asked for comment on the legislation, democratic representative Cutty Ought from California, who helped author the now expired Federal Assault Weapons Ban in 1994, pinched the bridge of her nose with her forefinger and thumb, shook her head and said: “They want to let who have guns?

“You know what? Fuck it, sure. It’s literally no fucking different than what we’re doing now.”