Please be advised that parts of what you’re about to read might be difficult for some individuals. The following contains many hard-hitting truths that not everyone will be comfortable hearing, but keep in mind that unfortunate realities are rarely easy to hear.
If a bald eagle cries out in the middle of the forest, and none of us are around to hear it, did the eagle ever make a sound? Just because you can’t see someone’s pain doesn’t mean their pain isn’t real. That’s why we implore you, dear readers, to reach out and give to the North American Foundation For Improved Bald Eagle Literacy.
Did you know that 100 per cent of all bald eagles surveyed last year were found to have “little or no literacy skills”? Not 50 per cent, not even 99 per cent; a full 100 per cent of bald eagles have never known the joy of curling up to a good book, or the pain that comes with watching a promising Stephen King plot descend into an incoherent mess by the ending. A bald eagle has never read a book, then heard some director was adapting it into a movie, and then as he walked out of the theatre at the end of the movie mumble, “It was okay, but the book was better.”
With your help, we can improve eagle literacy rates and give them the chance to experience these precious moments we so often take for granted.
Your money today can bring change for an eagle’s tomorrow. Donations received will go towards properly training language mentors, speciality reading glasses for bald eagles with poor eyesight, and building facilities that can foster a healthy learning environment tailored to eagle standards. The more donations we receive, the more of each of these services we will be able to provide to eagles in need.
But if the satisfaction and joy that comes with doing a good deed isn’t enough to convince you — even though it should be — we also have a list of wonderful incentives to encourage readers like you. For any donation under $10, we’ll send you a card thanking you for your generosity. For $25, we’ll personalize that card and include a photo of a bald eagle whose life you’ve helped make a difference in, as well as a short biography about that eagle. For $50, we’ll send you a T-shirt with our logo on it. At the next tier of a $100 donation, we’ll send you a 500-word book report written by a formerly illiterate bald eagle. For a $1,000 donation, we’ll send you a tiny vial of actual eagle tears; for $2,000, you’ll receive the same vial but the liquid will be from tears of joy.
You already know you’re an above-average, decent human being. Well, now’s the time to earn swag that proves it to the rest of the population.
A troubling report conducted by the United Nations in 2015 showed that Canada is tied for last place in the world when it comes to countries donating money for improving eagle literacy. I mean, they’re all tied for last place — no country currently donates any form of currency to this noble cause — but just because none of the other countries are doing it doesn’t mean Canada should be barbaric in our practices, too.
So I ask you to listen again to those same eagle cries mentioned before. Their cries are a cry for help. Please donate today and help create a better world for readers and nonreaders alike.
