Written by: Winona Young, Head Staff Writer
Local SFU student Ivanna Trancefer is outraged at the lack of recognition from the academic community after she enrolled in one (1) course this summer 2019 term.
“Like, I don’t get why I’m not being recognized for putting in maximum effort, y’know?” the student said. “At this rate, I’m gonna be valedictorian, ayy,” she continued, pairing the phrase with an odd hand gesture the reporter later discovered to be a dab.
A third-year student, Trancefer reported that she has a “two-point-something-something” GPA, and has not declared her major so far.
Sources close to Trancefer report that she will be taking CMNS 130 with Brody Jaker, which she understands will be a very academically rigorous course. The Peak asked Tracefer if she had any concerns about taking only one course. But Trancefer emphasized she felt confident with her academic decisions.
“My mom was all, ‘Wouldn’t it be better to take a heavier course load?’ But then I said, ‘It’s like one summer. How much longer could it be for me ‘til graduation, right?” She laughed.
Trancefer also mentioned that her choice came with many difficult sacrifices.
For instance, Trancefer cited a study claiming that successful individuals only spend less than five hours on the Internet. To show her commitment to the one (1) course, Trancefer has announced she’s started training for this Herculean academic feat. Trancefer has been adhering to a dedicated training schedule that will limit her time spent scrolling through Instagram and time spent on her phone to nine hours per day, down from the usual 14. The few weeks leading up to classes have been an adjustment for her.
Trancefer recently reported on a crushing blow she has endured as a student; resorting to attending the 9:30 a.m. tutorial.
“Jesus,” said Faculty of Education professor Dr. S.F. Usukz when alerted to Traceferès heroism. “What a champ.”
Another notable consumption sacrifice was made in terms of alcohol.
“It wasn’t an easy decision. Like, I can’t get shitfaced at Fortune every week like when I was in my freshman year,” Trancefer said.
To remedy this, the student plans to party at The Study, and (God forbid) Club Ilia, if she must get her drink on.
Trancefer mentioned that since undertaking this mentally rigorous load, she has been searching for SFU bursaries and scholarships for students who gave up drinking on weeknights for summer classes. Upon clarification from The Peak staff that there were none, Trancefer gave a quote, which, due to construction, was not heard. Nonetheless, she was visibly enraged.
However, Trancefer’s efforts were not entirely in vain.
SFU’s new president, Knot Andrewpetter, is to officially award the student with the official title of, “Smartest Son of a Bitch I Know.”
The ceremony is to take place in Convocation Mall when all campus construction is complete in Fall 2089.