Horoscopes
Your SFU horoscopes September 20–26
November 25, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor Aries: Dress outside your aesthetic, go to a new coffee shop, and order under a fake name this week, even if only to feel something other than your existential dread at the thought of impending midterms. Taurus: Stop keeping your feelings pent up! Try out new coping skills like shaking your fist at the sky, screaming into the void, and sacrificing animal crackers to strange deities. Gemini: Don’t put the cart before the horse. Actually, don’t put the cart anywhere. Stop shopping online during class and pay attention for once. Your education costs at least…
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Your SFU horoscopes September 13–19
September 13, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor ARIES: You’re a gas, but the things that fuel you might leave you a wreck. At least you’re driven, like the car that crashed into the pond. TAURUS: You might want to sit down for…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: September 6–12
September 6, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor ARIES: You already know you’re the main character. Show that off with an obnoxiously loud SFU crest tie. Wear it to class. Wear it to the beach. Wear it in the shower. Signal to Beedie…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: August 2–8
August 2, 2021By: Kyla Dowling, Humour Editor ARIES: Isn’t it weird that Aries sounds like Ares, the Greek god of war? And that you’re at war with literally everyone you meet because of your incredibly over-competitive nature? Wow. What a strange coincidence.…
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Horoscopes: July 26–August 1
July 26, 2021By: Marco Ovies, Features Editor ARIES: You might think ordering one of the many different kinds of fruity Starbucks Refreshers is a good idea, but most people forget those things are loaded with caffeine. I know you’re going to order…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: July 19–23
July 18, 2021By: Tiffany Chang, Peak Associate ARIES: After a great workout, you’ll (rightfully) choose a homemade smoothie over Tim Hortons. But I sense that your non-existent smoothie-making skills will result in some sort of spill. Some advice? All blenders have minds…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: July 12–18
July 10, 2021By: Paige Riding, Copy Editor ARIES: You need to let that sink in. Seriously, it’s stainless steel. It’s getting really hot to the touch in this weather. TAURUS: Considering camping this week? Try swapping out standard marshmallows for your friend’s…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: July 5–11
July 3, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Staff Writer ARIES: Don’t be shy . . . start dipping your Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in milk. Don’t let anyone dull your spice except you, sweetie. TAURUS: Have you ever thought about how terrible the English…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: June 28–July 4
June 28, 2021By: Marco Ovies, Features Editor ARIES: I have no groundbreaking recommendation for you because I know you’re going to ignore me and jump headfirst into the latest pop-garbage tune playing on the radio. Maybe give Olivia Rodrigo’s new album a…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: June 21–27
June 24, 2021By: Paige Riding, Copy Editor ARIES: Everyone shuns you for the water containers piling up in your room, but what about the unabashed fake scenarios you fall asleep to each night? Thirsty doesn’t even begin to cut it, but I’m…
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