By: Marco Ovies, Features Editor
ARIES: I have no groundbreaking recommendation for you because I know you’re going to ignore me and jump headfirst into the latest pop-garbage tune playing on the radio. Maybe give Olivia Rodrigo’s new album a chance — and no, I don’t mean just listen to “good 4 u” on repeat.
TAURUS: Just like Aries, are you really going to listen to my suggestion, or will you just replay the same punk-rock songs you listened to at 15? While Paramore’s self-titled album might encompass your whole personality right now, they do have new music. For the sake of everyone around you, please listen to some new music.
GEMINI: You’ll listen to absolutely anything, which makes your playlists the most chaotic thing I’ve ever seen. I promise you, there is no smooth transition from Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” to Childish Gambino’s “Sweatpants.” Since you’re open to listening to anything, why not try some hyperpop like “money machine” by 100 gecs? I’m sure it’s what the inside of your brain sounds like already.
CANCER: I know you’re looking for something to get you into your feelings, Cancer. Try listening to Bo Burnham’s album Inside (The Songs), or watch the Netflix special. Unsure if you should laugh, cry, or do both at the same time? Personally, I cocooned myself in a blanket and stared at a wall until I fell asleep. Sounds great, right?
LEO: Bleachers just released the upbeat summer tunes you’ve been waiting for. Songs like “How Dare You Want More” are perfect to scream along to as the main character. Like all indie artists, the peppy tune is just a mask for agonizingly sad lyrics you’ll need an English degree to understand. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
VIRGO: I’m not going to give you anything too all-over-the-place this week, Virgo. You should try listening to Lorde’s new single “Solar Power.” You can pretend you’re indie because it’s Lorde. In reality, this is the most mainstream pop song Lorde has ever produced in her life.
LIBRA: You should listen to that TikTok cover of “As the World Caves In” by Sarah Cothran — specifically, the version with the girl who duets by singing “in dissonance.” You can join in on the argument about whether this rendition is good or terrible. But in all honesty, you have no idea, do you?
SCORPIO: Just because you’re a Scorpio does not mean I’ll assign you some death-metal band and leave it at that. No, you get to listen to the Cocomelon theme song on loop. Nothing is scarier than a tired 20-something-year-old who has a children’s song in their head.
SAGITTARIUS: You can choose any coming-of-age movie soundtrack this week, Sagittarius. It doesn’t matter as long as it’s indie. Add it to your playlist titled “Road Trip Mix” and listen while you drive five minutes to get an iced coffee. You haven’t gone anywhere in the last year and a half. Don’t lie to me.
CAPRICORN: Writing 12 different entries is tough work, and unfortunately, you got the short straw this week. You’re like a goat or something, right? Go listen to goat music from The Mountain Goats or whatever comes up first when you search “goat” on Spotify.
AQUARIUS: Elevator music. Like really bad jazz.
PISCES: Go to a bar, get drunk, and just scream “Bennie and the Jets.” Unlike 27 Dresses, you will be kicked out before even finishing the song. You’ll quickly forget what happened because your sister’s marrying the love of your life. Go stop her before it’s too late! (Or discover love was in front of you the whole time.)