Your SFU horoscopes September 13–19

What unnatural thing from the AQ pond you are based on your star sign

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A peaceful cartoon woman surrounded by Zodiac symbols. She wears a yellow dress and has orange hair. Her hands are raised to hold one of the glowing signs.
ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor

ARIES: You’re a gas, but the things that fuel you might leave you a wreck. At least you’re driven, like the car that crashed into the pond. 

TAURUS: You might want to sit down for this . . . A case of plastic chairs found their way into the pond. Take a stand by bringing them to class. The three decent seats will be taken by the time you get there, anyway.

GEMINI: Bud, you’re balling, but I have something that’s right up your alley. Put a pin in it and go snatch a bowling ball!

CANCER: 1,000 goldfish live in the pond, not added by SFU. You are all of those fish simultaneously. Don’t be koi — dive in after your dreams but stay in a school.

LEO: You are, clearly, the koi fish that routinely eats cigarette butts. This is your sign to quit vaping all those milky mustard-flavoured nicotine pods. Or don’t, I don’t know your story.

VIRGO: Go puck yourself! Three hockey pucks have your name on them. Literally. Stop trying to play hockey on the frozen pond every year and find a normal hobby, like doing homework.

LIBRA: Know your worth, Libra! Some dumped pet fish in Burnaby can cost a fine of $250,000. Tell your ex you’re worth at least two fish, maybe even three.

SCORPIO: You’re a catch! Your own reflection shines through the murky waters and reminds you to reel yourself in and stop fishing for compliments.

SAGITTARIUS: Shoe la la! It’s a-boot time you reclaim those shoes from the pond. We all know you jumped in there as a dare. 

CAPRICORN: You’re exactly the person to annotate a book with “she should have kicked him in the strawberries” and it shows. Kick your internal dialogue in the strawberries and just enjoy a book for once.

AQUARIUS: Turtles definitely don’t belong at SFU. Join them in returning to natural habitats: basking in the sun, swimming in a swamp, and eating lots of bugs.

PISCES: In 2008, a “really boring” diary was found. I’d say you should ask for it back, but it’s probably long gone by now. Hey, at least someone read the soggy pages, right?