By: Marco Ovies, Features Editor
ARIES: You might think ordering one of the many different kinds of fruity Starbucks Refreshers is a good idea, but most people forget those things are loaded with caffeine. I know you’re going to order one of these anyway, but trust me when I say your sociable personality is already a lot to handle before all this caffeine. Take that as a compliment if you want.
TAURUS: Since you’re ruled by Venus, the planet of love and beauty, your perfect summer drink is the Tequila Sunrise. You can admire how beautiful the drink is, despite it basically being an unmixed Shirley Temple that tastes worse. I will personally give you $5 if you know what grenadine syrup is.
GEMINI: You’re fast, you’ve got places to be, you’re channelling big #girlboss energy, and you’re doing it with your black iced coffee with three extra shots of espresso. You’re drinking it so fast that you could get this drink from any coffee shop — you’re hardly tasting it anyway.
CANCER: Being ruled by the moon, you are not quite as fast as some of the other signs. So enjoy your herbal tea, grandpa. Just don’t spend too much time drinking it, or else you’ll be late for your 3 p.m. game of Scrabble with the boys.
LEO: You’re the leader of the group, so take initiative and order whatever $15 specialty drink the bar is serving. Sure, it’ll only amount to a couple of sips, but all eyes will be on you when everyone sees how elaborate it is (and when the bill comes).
VIRGO: There is only one drink always guaranteed to be made right, and that drink is water. But I’m sure you will find something wrong with it anyway.
LIBRA: A caramel macchiato is the yin and yang of coffee. Bitter espresso with sweetened milk, one relying on the other, always in balance. Wait! Don’t just drink the milk at the bottom of the cup first. I don’t care what TikTok told you. You need to mix the drink before drinking it.
SCORPIO: You don’t need to rely on fancy drinks or party tricks to impress people, Scorpio. Instead, order a beer. Piss warm. Drunk straight from the can. You don’t need to worry about anyone making fun of you for your drink choice . . . well, except for me. I’m making fun of you a little bit.
SAGITTARIUS: For these horoscopes, I usually have to look up stereotypes for each star sign. But guess what? I literally don’t care. I’m a Sagittarius, and I want an iced coffee with vanilla in it. Oh, that’s not what you want to drink? Fuck you. I’m the main character.
CAPRICORN: I know you won’t be satisfied with whatever I suggest for you. Nothing will ever compare to the espresso you ordered from that “hole in the wall” café when you went to Italy on your school band trip. Trust me, we all know. You won’t stop talking about it.
AQUARIUS: I should preface this with the fact that bubble tea is actually very good. But what you call “bubble tea,” Aquarius, is something else entirely. Enjoy your Brown Sugar Crème Brûlée BTS Collaboration Milk Tea with cheese foam mixed with the saliva of Jungkook and the ashes of a burnt print-out of that selfie of Olivia Rodrigo with Joe Biden.
PISCES: It would be too easy and predictable to give you just water (and we already stuck Virgo with that throwaway option), so why not try adding a little bit of spice and giving sparkling water a chance? It’s everything you love about water, except spicy.