By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor
Aries: Dress outside your aesthetic, go to a new coffee shop, and order under a fake name this week, even if only to feel something other than your existential dread at the thought of impending midterms.
Taurus: Stop keeping your feelings pent up! Try out new coping skills like shaking your fist at the sky, screaming into the void, and sacrificing animal crackers to strange deities.
Gemini: Don’t put the cart before the horse. Actually, don’t put the cart anywhere. Stop shopping online during class and pay attention for once. Your education costs at least four pairs of shoes!
Cancer: You can do anything you put your mind to this week, even if it’s writing an entire research paper and three Canvas discussion posts in one night. You’re Cancer, not Can’tcer, after all.
Leo: Indulgence. Luxury. Bliss. These are your goals this week. Wrap yourself in a blanket burrito and take a three-day nap on the floor, leaving your earthly perils behind. Bonus points if you buy snacks for your future, well-rested self.
Virgo: Learn a practical skill like whittling wood, embroidery, or local plant identification. It won’t benefit you as a university student, but it’ll make your icebreaker introductions cool. Maybe you can even save grocery money by foraging your salads.
Libra: It’s becoming #LibraSeason this week, you sexy thing! You’re an air sign which means you can blow off all your duties for the next month. Life is but a breeze. Go you!
Scorpio: Try something new this week, like dying your clothes with beet juice or drinking a glass of raw eggs for breakfast. Don’t count on it going well, though. You need an ego check.
Sagittarius: Pretend to be a Hollywood star this week. Buy cheap wine, come to class fashionably late, and tweet something way too personal. Oh wait, you already live like this.
Capricorn: If you don’t have anything nice to say, at least mute your mic to say it. Stop roasting your classmates and come write your petty complaints for The Peak.
Aquarius: You’ve watched the rise and fall of the nerd’s fedora and hipster’s beanie. Pave a new path by wearing the largest cowboy hat you can find every day this week.
Pisces: Change all of your passwords to random strings of letters without autosaving. SFU’s systems get hacked way too often, and you can’t keep using “pass123!” for everything.