SPOOF: Top five sex positions for the AQ avocado

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January 11, 2016

Inside the Academic Quadrangle lies one of the greatest challenges to you sexy students! The avocado (or egg, depending on which side of the debate you fall on) statue just stands there, erect,waiting for adventurous folks to come, mount it, and get filthy. However, we realize that this isn’t a place where you can just walk up and start paddling up Coochie Creek. Therefore, here are Peakmo’s top tips to getting down and making some ‘guacamole.’

1.Getting a little ripe

This position is your recommended entry point into getting raunchy in the avocado, as it is the simplest and most straightforward. Have your partner sit in the obvious seat, and go to town on them. Fair warning: even though this is the simplest position in theory, you will have to be comfortable with a tight squeeze. While this can heighten the intimacy between you and your partner, you may run out of real estate if you stretch out too much.

2. Just the pit

You know what’s better than one partner in the seat? Both of you meeting in the pit. Have your man take a seat, hop on so that both of you are facing the same direction, and get wild. Added bonus: you’ll both be able to see how steamy you get because now you both get to face the reflective half of the avocado! Even though you’re already doing the no-pants dance outside, you can achieve that rare status of self-exhibitionist.

3.This ‘cado ain’t big enough for the both of us

You’re already well aware of the problems with the lack of space that plagues SFU’s filthiest work of art, but you’re not going to let that stop you. Sometimes, it’s all about using leverage to your advantage! Pop a squat on the top of the avocado, and firmly place your feet in the pit to gain stability. Then have your partner ride you as you ride the fruit, and enjoy the steamy stampede shuffle. Yeehaw, cowboys and cowgirls!

4.Lay me down on your bare avocado skin rug

Did your report cards growing up always say your strongest skill was thinking outside the box? Good news, everyone! That is totally transferable to your freaky fruit-day. You know that the bumps on the outside really hit your skin in a sensual way. Plus, the luscious curve of the statue is a prime position for your body to contort to in order to make your partner salivate over you. Be sure to vary up which half of the avocado you use, because you wouldn’t want to get stuck in a routine!

5. For the last time, it’s an egg

Just like the artist who designed the sculpture, you can see through the lies spread by your fellow students and know that it is clearly an egg, not an avocado. As we all know, eggs are precious little things, and beautiful little symbols for life. They are also incredibly breakable! Due to this, we’re going to multitask and not only go heels to Jesus, but take care of the egg like a middle school class project. Set up shop a few feet away from the egg, so as not to risk cracking it. Then, have the loudest, wildest, and most disturbing sex you can think of. Squawk like angry birds, contort like gymnasts, and keep the neighbours far, far away. Honestly, the more you can do to keep anyone from ever wanting to come near you and your egg, the better.

SPOOF: New Year, New You

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EIC

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January 11, 2016

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[dropcap]I[/dropcap] try not to focus on the haters. I just try to focus on having a good time.” Dressed in a fashionable parka and sneakers, SFU style icon Miranda Macfarlane is a sight for sore eyes. The university may be ice cold in January, but Miranda is as hot as ever — and she’s got the boys eating out of her hands (and elsewhere). Not everyone is blessed with the same raw feminine energy as Miranda, but there’s more to her meteoric success than just girl power. Peakmo sat down with Miranda to learn more about how she became SFU’s HBIC, and get her tips on how you can make 2016 the year you finally get yours — and then some.

Peakmo: I think I speak for everyone when I ask: Can we be you?

Miranda Macfarlane: Girl, don’t even ask. You don’t want this kind of stress. I can’t even talk to any of the boys on campus — they just stare at me wide eyed until I walk away. Most girls want to ask my permission before they even look at me. Trust me, it isn’t easy being queen.

“Diva is just a term made up by women who are afraid of empowerment.”

P: But there’s got to be some perks.

MM: Well, the free tuition is nice. [laughs] Honestly, I’m so used to it by now that I don’t think I could ever go back. The red carpets, the adoring fans, the seven-inch high heels. . . That’s just my life, you know? I don’t really know how anyone else manages without this kind of treatment. But, I mean, they’re not me. They wouldn’t know.

P: Tell me a little bit about what you’re wearing right now.

MM: I’m wearing enough designer makeup to pay the mortgage of a small family — mostly made by close friends who also design for Beyoncé. Nobody you will have heard of. My favourite piece of jewelry is my Gucci necklace, which a fan made for me. It’s a little Scorpio sign. I’m totally into astrology. I just really identify with the stars. They’re bright and shiny and great to stare at, just like me!

My top is bleached alligator skin mixed with gold flakes and the tears of young Chinese factory workers. It’s definitely not my fanciest outfit, but I wanted to keep it casual today, you know? That’s why I’m wearing only my sixth best parka — I need to save the best ones for special occasions.

P: Special occasions?

MM: Movie premieres, museum openings, presidential inaugurations, that sort of thing.

P: Who are your feminine idols?

MM: I like to think of myself as an original. But I’ve always been a big follower of Miley Cyrus, Nicki Minaj, Queen Elizabeth — bad bitches getting what’s theirs. I’m an admirer of powerful women, which is why my biggest idol of all time is myself. I inspire me more than anyone, and I try to act in ways that I would want to act. It’s part of my whole personal philosophy: what would I do (WWID)?

P: What advice do you have for girls who want to be just like you?

MM: Well, first off, you’ll never be just like me. Like I said, I’m one of a kind. But I consider myself a feminist and a supporter of powerful women, so I’ll give you a few of my best tips. Just make sure you bitches remember that there’s only one Miranda Macfarlane.

First things first: don’t be afraid to be a diva. Diva is just a term made up by women who are afraid of empowerment. You deserve to look spectacular, and to make everyone else work hard to make you look — and feel — your best. Try starting out by asking your friends for small favours, like buying drinks for you or going on all fours below your knees to become a human footrest. Soon enough, you’ll have a certified #squad backing you up every step of the way. That’s an important prerequisite to becoming fashion royalty.

Second, make sure boys know that you’re a prize. Order the most expensive item on the menu on every date, and never offer to pay for anything. If he doesn’t have an expensive car and a six-pack that could double as a functional cheese grater, he’s not worth your time. He should be your knight in shining armour and the beast to your beauty in the sack. If he’s not willing to go downtown, find yourself another man, ASAP. Your lady bits deserve as much love as you do, sister. Sometimes more. Don’t be afraid to break his heart — or his phone.

Finally, learn how to ask for what’s yours. The new year is a perfect opportunity to be a whole new you. Not getting an A in that class? Twist your professor’s balls until he ups that GPA, girlfriend. Some dollar store slut talking smack about you behind your back? Spike her drink with hydrofluoric acid. Too many women are afraid to take initiative with their problems. I’m walking proof that a little extra effort pays off.

P: Do you still get those moments where you say, “pinch me, I must be dreaming”?

MM: Usually it’s everyone else acting that way around me. It’s not hard to believe that I’ve become this popular — I get what I want and I want what I get. If you trust the universe and trust your own feminine energy, you can, too.

Read more Peakmopolitan here.

SPOOF: Five embarrassing confessions from readers

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January 11, 2016

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I went out on a date with a really cute guy that I’ve had a crush on for a while. Right as it was time to pay the bill, he walked up to go to the bathroom, and was kidnapped by a pack of Tuscan Raiders! It caused such a commotion, and I was so embarrassed I just paid and got the hell out of there as quick as I could.– Kaitlin R., 27, Zoologist
I had just broken up with my long-term boyfriend, and I needed to do something fun and exciting to get my mind off the ordeal. So, I went out to a bar later with a couple of my friends and had a few too many drinks. Afterwards, we got to a tattoo parlour and I made the biggest mistake of my life — I decided to get a tattoo of the tracklist to Hilary Duff’s self-titled album on my lower back. But it doesn’t end there. They put the wrong order down, as track six should be Underneath this Smile and track seven should be Dangerous to Know, not the other way around! Now I feel so self conscious when I go to tan! – Brittney K., 22, Teaching Assistant
My boyfriend’s parents were out for the weekend, giving us some much-needed alone time at his place. We started getting busy in his bedroom, when his little brother accidentally walked in on us, with his head spinning violently screaming “redrum” very loudly. Not only does he tell his parents what happened, now he walks around the house constantly wielding an axe. It’s super awks!– Tasha N., 19, Barista
I few nights ago I brought a girl back from the club. Things started to get hot and heavy very quickly, and it was going very well right until the very end. When she finished she yelled at the top of her lungs “CAN YOU DIG IT!? SUCKAAA!!!!” while shaking her hand in front of her face. Not only was it extremely weird, my roommate heard the entire thing and won’t let me live it down.– James K., 21, Student
My best friend’s baby shower was an absolute disaster for me, because of a slight wardrobe malfunction. I forgot to remove my illuminati necklace before I went, and now word is spreading that I’m a member of a secret organization that is trying to rule the world through an authoritarian global dictatorship! How will I get a date now? – Ashley C., 32, Cashier

SPOOF: Horoscopes

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January 11, 2016

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Capricorn

The Sun sneaks a glance at Venus while it’s changing at the end of the solar system. The Moon provides perfect shade for Mars and Jupiter as they fondle in the vacuum of space. Your stars are in alignment with the cockles of Orion.

IN OTHER WORDS:

Stop being a wuss and ask out that hottie at your local Starbucks. Show the barista your best bedroom eyes and ask if they’ll put extra “whip” in your “coffee cup.”

Aquarius

Pluto and Neptune are fist fighting on the steps of an asteroid belt, obstructing crucial space radiation. Wednesday is going to be a collision of titanic gravitational forces, obstructing your aura from the warmth of good nature.

IN OTHER WORDS:

Don’t buy that sweater. It doesn’t compliment your curvature. Besides, it’s totally over-priced.

Pisces

Jupiter’s moons are hanging lower than normal. The distant suns of the Milky Way galaxy are exploding causing ripples of distortion across the cosmic fretboard of time and space. This will all come to a frightening head on Monday.

IN OTHER WORDS:

Go skiing with Theo from marketing over the weekend. He’s been doing CrossFit and he’s looking to show off his new set of abs.

Aries

Mercury has skipped town with a sexy little moon just a lightyears travel from Saturn. A supernova in the proximity of Alpha Centauri has wiped out the only other reminence of life in the galaxy but your Tuesday is looking to be pretty fab.

IN OTHER WORDS:

Give yourself a well-deserved long weekend. Call in sick and leave a burning bag a poop on your boss’s front porch.

Taurus

The multiverse is chaos. Godlike beings are playing billiards with countless realities. The cacophonic cry of your doppelgangers omits a pitch that will spur thoughts of procrastination on Tuesday morning.

IN OTHER WORDS:

Don’t eat it. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Don’t touch it — don’t even look at it!

Gemini

As Kapteyn C is slowly swallowed by a black hole throughout next week, Eridanus will rise and obscure alternate heavenly bodies in accordance with the Ptolemaic model, resulting in an overall resemblance to the comprehensive astronomical treatise Tantrasangraha.

IN OTHER WORDS:

Go ahead and sign up for windsurfing. Pam will realize what she’s missing, just give it time.

Cancer

The geocentric orbit surrounding Earth this week may pull in several unexpected objects, possibly causing a disturbance in the orbit of exoplanet HD 40307 g. This in turn will affect the stability of spacetime, so avoid any heavy lifting on Friday.

IN OTHER WORDS:

Carefully read through all written work you come across this week, or else you will be cloned then murdered and your evil doppelganger will take over your life.

Leo

Saturn spins a sick new beat on his new turntable rocking the universe with his sick synths and trap beats. The little dipper spills space champagne on the Andromeda constellation, initiating a cosmic wet T-shirt contest.

IN OTHER WORDS:

Go back to bed. Absolutely nothing of interest will occur this week.

Virgo

The steady movements of Gliese 667 Cb will bring a sense of clarity to your life. However, interference from Cygnus may work to convolute things more — watch out! It will only get worse if you ignore it.

IN OTHER WORDS:

Those whispers you hear at night aren’t in your head. You should probably serial killer-proof your house. But don’t worry, if you don’t die by Saturday your chances of living improve by 15 per cent!

Libra

K-type main-sequence star Alpha Centauri B will jumble up the celestial flow and likely have huge ramifications on double star Epsilon Reticuli, possibly even all of Reticulum. Make sure to factor this in before making any decisions.

IN OTHER WORDS:

Watch out for banana peels and keep a box of band-aids with you. You’re going to be clumsy as fuck this week.

Scorpio

There has been an awakening in a distant galaxy. The dark side and the light side are locked in an eternal conflict. As such, this will infect your Thursday evening with with sinful thoughts towards your best friend’s sister.

IN OTHER WORDS: Stop what you’re doing and go see Star Wars: The Force Awakens again. Don’t even think about it.

Sagittarius

A white hole off the tip of the Sombrero galaxy is spewing time at an alarming rate across the cosmos. A colony of intelligent space mushroom is drifting through the galaxy and set to collide with Europa.

IN OTHER WORDS:

When no one is looking, pull the fire alarm. Free your fellow brothers and sisters from the capitalist regime.

SPOOF: Five ways to get your TA all hot and bothered over you!

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EIC

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January 11, 2016

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[dropcap]Y[/dropcap]ou’ve been eyeing up your sexy TA for weeks, your insides squirming at the thought of wrapping yourself around that curving, voluptuous body, or pressing your face against that chiseled, scholarly jaw. The thought of becoming your TA’s top pupil drives you insane; you’re torn apart by the thought of not expressing your true feelings to those dark, seductive eyes. You don’t want your classmates to know, so how can you subtly drive your TA wild over you?

Leave your name off your essay:

This is a fine way to play hard-to-get. Nothing fires a TA up like if he or she is left guessing which mystery someone wrote on “The Benefits of Decentralized Federalism.” Your TA will be left with furrowed eyebrows, swearing passionately as he or she flips open the attendance list to seek out yours truly. Once found, you’ll be on your crush’s radar — there’s something unique about you. In place of your name, it might be helpful to leave a simple question mark, followed by a winky face.

Don’t do any of your assigned course readings:

As your lover gazes into your eyes and politely asks you if you remember which prime minister was discussed on page 42, paragraph three, simply respond with a breathy, “Oh dear! I really don’t remember! But I’d love for you to tell me!” Your TA just might clench his or her jaw in that sexy way you love so much, or groan a little — giving you an extra something to fantasize about.

Arrive at your tutorial hungover:

Spend a night popping back one or two extra drinks! The massive headache you’ll feel in tomorrow’s lab will pale in comparison to the pleasurable touch of your TA’s hand on your shoulder while they shake you awake. Make sure to grasp their hand and let them know that you’ve had a terrible night, but everything’s going to be okay. Ignore the shifty looks from your other classmates — they’re just jealous.

Repeatedly ask your TA for clarification:

Pretending not to understand the concepts (or perhaps truly not understanding the concepts) is fantastic way to make your TA grumble under his or her breath with a deep, heated lust. The more you ask your TA to clarify concepts — especially ones that were explained multiple times over — the louder and more bothered your crush will become. Who knows? Your steamy TA might even point at you and scream out your name!

Email your TA to express how you feel:

Of course, what would drive your TA absolutely insane over you would be if you sent him or her a passionate email divulging your true feelings, using phrases such as “I’ve been longing,” “so sexy,” “get over here,” and “I need you right now!” Your feisty TA will respond with ultimate affection though a strongly worded response message. Damn, you love a TA who has a good business-professional vocabulary — nevermind the fact that you may be booted from the class entirely and given an “F” on your transcript. (It’s the sexiest letter in the alphabet.)

SPOOF: Five fitness tips to get you feeling good about spring

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EIC

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January 11, 2016

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Fitness tip 1:

See fitness tip two (because you need to be patient — you won’t see the results you want right away!)

Fitness tip 2:

Try to sport. Sporting can be a great way to do fitness. Sports and be a real sport if you can sport hard and sport often. Sports.

Fitness tip 3:

You burn calories while eating and watching TV. Haters gonna hate.

Fitness tip 4:

Always go to the washroom before you step on the scale. Still counts.

Fitness tip 5:

In the time you spent reading this, you could have done maybe one push-up.

SPOOF: Five ways to add more sex to your sex

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EIC

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January 11, 2016

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gazdi-G365-Flickr — These tips will leave your significant other wanting more!

Do you feel like your sex life could possibly be a little sexier? Here are some ways to double down on the intercourse without losing out on any penetration. Use these tips with your partner for sprucing your reproducing!

Add ice.

If there’s one thing that improves all around comfort and pleasure during sex, it’s really really cold things. Hint: frozen stuff makes everything feel hot by comparison.

Make everything as dry as possible.

There’s only one way you can truly enjoy intercourse, and that’s by making it as dry as possible. Optimize on friction by going straight in before any kind of lubrication can interfere.

Switch it up.

Doing it only on your bed can get boring. Try a change by boning in a medieval iron maiden. The spikes and threat of being skewered will add a sense of excitement and intimacy.

Listen to death metal.

Turn on some tunes during your hanky-panky. Marvin Gaye is overrated and clichéd. Mix in some real passion by cranking up the death metal — it will help you both express your pent up frustration.

Compare and contrast.

Improve together by bringing pictures of people you think are significantly more attractive than your significant other to bed, then comparing your partner to said attractive person and illustrating the ways in which they could change to resemble them better. This will draw you closer by understanding each other better.

SPOOF: Six beauty trends for 2016 — number four will rock your socks

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EIC

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January 11, 2016

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2016 is going to be the year of new, hot looks. But don’t worry — Peakmo is here to help you navigate the year’s freshest styles.

Goodbye smoky eye, hello flaming eyelids!

The time of smoky eyes has come and gone. This year marks the start of the new trend: flaming eyes. The technique is simple: just find something highly flammable, rub it on your eyelids, and find a match! You’ll be too hot to handle.

Friendship bracelets made out of your BFF’s armpit hair

Nothing says ‘BFFLs’ like exchanging armpit hairs to braid a beautiful bracelet! Armpit hair accessories have been appearing everywhere after Miley Cyrus was seen with one!

Put rocks in your socks

It may take a while to break in your new rocks, but once you have, all eyes will be on you! Remember to colour coordinate your rocks with your shoes and with the blood from the calloused blisters covering your feet!

The saran wrap dress

You will be the talk of the town in your saran wrap dress. It’s even rumored that T-Swift is looking into getting custom saran dresses made for her and her squad! Slip into one of these and be transparently beautiful!

Starbucks’ new lingerie lineup

This product is still in its launch phase, so bras are only coming in three sizes: tall, grande, and venti. The initial unveiling showed how comfortable and easy these bras will be to wear — just suction the Starbucks cup to your breast and you are ready to go! Madonna is said to be involved with the outer design of the 2016 collection, so you know these bras will be fierce.

‘Face with tears of joy’ emoji nipple pasties

Looking to show a bit of skin, but not too much skin? These nipple emoji stickers have you (partially) covered! After the ‘face with tears of joy’ emoji was named the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the year, these nipple stickers became pretty much inevitable. Celebs such as Celine Dion and even Gary Busey have already been spotted sporting this latest style!

SATIRE: Steamy Garfield quotes to use (and avoid) during sex

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January 11, 2016

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[dropcap]U[/dropcap]nbeknownst to many bed-goers, our favourite lazy, lasagna-loving cat is actually a master of sex. Scientists at the Lab for Pop Culture Cats and Intercourse, in Los Angeles California, have discovered that many of our favourite Garfield quotes can drive our sexual arousal right up the wall when used during moments of pleasure and intimacy with a partner! That’s right, after years of banging out some incredibly memorable quotes, this little pussy has yet to grow old. Here are some strategies for meow-thing your affection to help you have a rawr-ing great night beneath the sheets!

During foreplay:

Hot nights should always begin with something slow, with some seductive words to help put you two in the mood. After softly kissing your partner’s neck, lean in to their ear and whisper, “when the lasagna content in my blood gets low, I get mean.” As you kiss and touch one another, some spicy quotes to use are, “I am hungry, therefore I am,” and, “eat every meal as though it were your last.” Get hungry for each other — the night is sure to be a fiery one.

During sex:

As things get heated, and you two now share a warm bed, nothing beats making passionate love while repeatedly gasping, “Deep fry it!” During some of the more intense moments of the night, try romantically panting, “When I want in, I want in now!” This will let your partner know that you are the only thing they’re into. Such love will make for an incredible explosive finish.

During orgasm:

So far you’ve had an unforgettable night, and amongst the heat of sweaty passion you now feel you’re about to climax. Before orgasm, tell your partner how hot you feel by proclaiming, “I think I’m going to blow cat chow chunks!” in his or her ear, then during that intense pleasurable finish, feel free to bellow, “Love me, feed me, never leave meeee!” As you two gasp for breath on top of each other, you’ll be left wondering why you haven’t been screaming for lasagna during sex your entire life!

Quotes to kill the mood:

Scientists at the Lab for Pop Culture Cats and Intercourse also found that certain Garfield quotes had the potential to kill the mood completely. While in the heat of romantic lust, avoid using “If you want to look thinner, hang around people fatter than you,” or “Oh no! I’m late for my nap.” Quotes that have been proven to end relationships included, “Good times are ahead! Or behind. Because they sure aren’t here!” and “Show me a good mouser and I’ll show you a cat with bad breath!”

Clan Fire on All Cylinders in Complete Win

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EIC

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January 10, 2016

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Vanessa Gee Drives to the Basket in an SFU Home Victory

The SFU Women’s Basketball team improved to 5–6 on the season and 3–3 in GNAC Conference play with a resounding 90–73 victory over the Northwest Nazarene Crusaders. It was the team’s second home game in three days.

The Clan took an early 15–8 lead on the strength of back-to-back three pointers by Ellen Kent and Elisa Homer. With the clock running down in the first stanza, Vanessa Gee drained a buzzer beater to extend SFU’s lead to 26–14.

The second quarter saw both teams open up offensively with SFU punching back every time NNU tried to make a charge. Second quarter highlights included a beautiful step back 3-pointer by Alisha Roberts, a nifty turnaround post move for a basket by Sophie Swant, a tic-tac-toe fast break from Kent to Homer to Swant, and a Kent crossover and lefty layup. Clan Forward Samantha Beauchamp had an inspired three possession sequence late in the half when she blocked a shot, altered another NNU shot, and then drew a foul after a tough rebound. On a night when the Clan shot 58% from the field, the second quarter ended with a Kent drive and kick to Roberts for a three which gave SFU a 47–34 lead.

The third quarter was the Vanessa Gee show. Gee scored 9 of the first 13 Clan points on a step back three to start the quarter followed by a long two point jump shot, and then two beautiful drives to the basket. Down 60–46, NNU then elected to employ a full court press. This tactic resulted in 6 quick points. This is when forward Rachel Fradgley went to work converting two low-post baskets. The Clan once again scored to end the quarter on the strength of yet another clutch Alisha Roberts three-pointer to take a 67–54 lead into the decisive fourth quarter.

In the fourth, NNU closed to a 69–59 deficit. This is when Ellen Kent grabbed a critical defensive rebound and sagely called timeout when swarmed by NNU pressure. Kent then calmly knocked down her third three-pointer of the game to extend the lead to 72–59. SFU then broke NNU’s back with two fast-break baskets against the press converted by Swant and Homer. Rachel Fradgley continued her dominant low-post play with an offensive rebound and putback, a big shot block on defense and a low-post conversation. Alisha Roberts salted the game with consecutive threes in the final minute. Five Clan players scored in double figures including: Homer with 19 points, Roberts with 17 points, Gee with 16 points, Fradgley with 10, and Kent with 13 points as well as 10 assists.

Legendary coach Bruce Langford remarked on his team’s improved play from Thursday’s home loss. He said, “I thought we came to compete better on Saturday [. . .] Kent was much better distributing the ball and Homer had a brilliant start with 12 points in the first quarter. She also was checking their best player and drew two offensive fouls on her.”