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The Peak investigates: Jugo Juice closure

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Peak Web
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A personified coffee cup wearing Hello Kitty pajamas stands in front of a burning Jugo Juice. He is tipping his coffee lid as a sign of respect, almost remorseful for his actions.
ILLUSTRATION: Yan Ting Leung / The Peak

By: Coffee Brown, now in witness protection

Coffee Brown was recently faced with his most difficult task as a member of the Beverage Mafia. Brown had been loyal to the mafia family for decades, but after his last hit, he knew it was time to retire. Years of guilt caught up to him, and he realized he needed to free himself from the burden. 

He is set to testify against the Beverage Mafia next year (with a full pardon of his crimes), but has agreed to provide his statement regarding the suspicious closure of the Jugo Juice next to Renaissance Coffee in the AQ exclusively to The Peak. 

“It was some time ‘round last week. I’m at home, in my Hello Kitty jam jams, when I hear a knock on the door. It’s not just a normal knock, too; it sounded like a kangaroo on speed, ready to bring my door down. I know what it is — it’s serious, they gonna tells me ‘go paint a house.’ Well, I says to the guy, hold it, gimme a sec, but he’s banging away like my mom and pawp on Valentine’s Day. I need to change outta my jam jams, ‘cause no one is going to take a hitman who likes Hello Kitty seriously — society, am I right? Anyways, I suit up and open the door, and who do I see? Ol’ Thony Coca-Cola. ‘Hey, what’s the matter?’ I says to him.

“He comes in, sits down and lays it out for me. Started to bust my balls. 

“Turns out the old Jugo Juice factory the boss gave out loans to wasn’t doin’ too well — I guess they haven’t been since they took that loan from us. Thony tells me, ‘Hey pal, it’s time to go send a message.’ I’m sitting there nodding, but deep down I know I can’t do it. I wanna say, ‘Fogetta bout it!’ 

“I love that Jugo Juice — and here is Thony telling me to go literally beat the pulp outta the owner. I am bouts to tell him, keep your cash — I can’t do it, I like that place . . . especially ‘em kale smoothies . . .  and then he pulls out a brief case loaded with enough cash to buy a stupendous amount of Hello Kitty jam jams to last my grandchildren (totally not me) a whole lifetime. 

“I take the cash and do the job. I wanted to say no, but just when I thought I was out, they pulped me back in. I sent the owner a lil’ knuckle sandwich and set the place on fire right at closing time. The boss calls me just after I burn it down and tells me to . . . you know . . . whack that poor soul. Boss says to me he’s been juicin’ him for years, and he won’t pay the loans back. I’m lookin’ at the poor chap . . . he spilled a cup of the lemon juice on his pants while his shop burnt. I can’t do it. I don’t do it. I said to the poor chap, ‘Run, fogetta bout it.’

“I realize that I’ve been spilling the blood of too many in the name of the boss and the twisted Beverage Mafia. But no more. I’m takin’ it down with me. I decided to rat. I would’ve never thought I’d get to the point that I felt like a cannoli in Ol’ Paulie Piña Colada’s fridge, the way this guilt was eating me.

“I loved that Jugo Juice. I remember the first time I had a smoothie from there. I was saying stuff like splendid, somethin’ you don’t hear a guy like me saying. The Beverage Mafia— they expect too much. You gotta be a tough guy, you can’t drink a kale smoothie and enjoy it or they’ll calls you soft. You can’t be seen wearing your Hello Kitty jam jams either. The money was good, but my job was  miserable. I knew I had to scram faster than my mom makin’ her Christmas linguine.  

“It was the best decision of my life. I feel bad for beating poor Jugo, or whateva his name is, but I won’t be doing that no more. I can live my truth, wear what I wants to, and enjoy my jam jams.”

Monday Music: Songs to aid your astral journey

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Peak Web
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It is an illustration of a girl sitting on a patch of grass staring into the night sky full of stars and other astronomical objects
ILLUSTRATION: Cassandra Nguyen / The Peak

By: Katie Walkley, SFU Student

Doing nothing should be considered as a human need just as important as eating or sleeping. To ease you into a camaraderie with your mind through the art of staring off into space, I have created this playlist that will guide you through the cosmic realm for the optimal zone-out experience. Please listen to these songs in their prescribed order for the best results.

“The Body is a Blade” by Japanese Breakfast

The ninth song in Soft Sounds from Another Planet gently lifts you from your daily struggles. The guitar’s hypnotic patterns seem to spin in circles around you. Meanwhile, Michelle Zauner’s ghostly vocals deliver brutally authentic lyrics that allow you to sit with both hope and melancholy. Using music to access your intense emotions perfectly prepares you for an astral realm where you can ponder your existence in a far-off space.

“Can I Sleep in Your Brain?” by Ezra Furman

Known from her work on the Sex Education soundtrack, Furman is a master of musical storytelling. The specific yet universally felt details make every lyric feel like a punch to the gut. The minimalist instruments and heart-wrenching singing will gently guide you to find a landing spot from the stars in someone else’s brain. However, the genre swap halfway through the song from a slow ballad to punk-style guitar and blaring saxophones indicates that the brain you’ve found may not live on our planet.

“Tapestry from an Asteroid” by Sun Ra

The jazz musician Sun Ra will help you wander through the alien’s brain that you dropped into. In a 1989 interview with SPIN, he claims to have been sent to Earth from Saturn to raise human consciousness. Whether or not you believe his origin story, you will feel his connection to the cosmos when hit with the otherworldly groove of this tune. 

“Secret Tongues” by The Moldy Peaches

Now that you have successfully travelled the astral plane, The Moldy Peaches are here to help you descend back to your body. The sweet voice of Adam Green delivering absurd lyrics such as, “just jiggling around like silly putty / and who are you and I?” will keep your adventurous whimsy alive as you take on the rest of your earthly tasks.

After taking your focus away from the urgent matters that were pressing down on you, you can come back and greet them with more clarity. We were never meant to be constantly stressing about work. We need time where we can feel human and vanish from everything that is being asked of us, so that when we return, we can discern what really matters.

What Grinds Our Gears: Hardcover books

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Peak Web
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A photo of an opened book on a bed with purple floral sheets.
PHOTO: Rhamely / Unsplash

By: Zainab Salam, Opinions Editor

Let me set the scene. It’s midnight. You’re cozy. Under layers of a blanket and a duvet. Swallowed whole like a sentient marshmallow. The lights are dimmed, just right. You reach for your book — the one you’ve been dying to start. But alas. It’s not a sleek paperback. It’s not digital. It’s hardcover — a glorified brick in disguise. 

Nothing — and I mean nothing — kills the vibe like trying to read a hardcover in bed. It’s the literary equivalent of wrestling a bear. One hand’s going numb from supporting the sheer weight of the thing, the other’s frantically flipping pages that refuse to stay open — unless you press them down like you’re conducting open-heart surgery. 

God forbid you want to lie on your side. Suddenly, you’re doing acrobatics, holding it up with one arm like you’re training for the Cirque du Soleil, only to be slapped in the face when it inevitably slips and decks you across the nose.

And the dust jacket! Why is it even there? What purpose does it serve except to slowly inch up the book like a tuxedo trying to make a run for it? If I wanted to be left at the altar by a man, I would’ve dated a man! Oh, and take it off, suddenly you’re left with a sad, naked cube that somehow feels even worse. 

Honestly, hardcover books in bed are a personal attack. They mock you with their spine-cracking stubbornness and sheer physical bulk. Want to get comfy? Too bad. This is a core workout now. 

I’m not saying ban hardcovers. They have their place in society, like as a murder weapon in cozy mysteries. But in bed? No. Just no. Reading in bed should be soft, floppy, and commitment-free. Like a paperback. Or a bad decision. 

Hardcovers for readers are the equivalent of throw pillows for interior designers; for display, not practicality. End of story!

Peak Speaks: If the walls could talk

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Peak Web
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A man pressing his ear against a wall at SFU. He is shocked at what he is hearing.
PHOTO: Emily Le / The Peak

By: Mason Mattu, Humour Editor

We asked our friends on the SFU subreddit: If the walls at SFU could talk, what would they say? 

u/dash101: “Let’s stick together, or this place might fall apart!” 

u/YoManWTFIsThisShit: “Can someone tell the undergrads to stop crying outside the econ room?”

u/cashcartibihhhhhhh: “Zoo-WeeMama.”

u/starkengineer: “We are what we fear the most.”

u/HistoricalAd6638: “Stand up for yourself.”

Council Chats: Executive officers provide notable reports

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Peak Web
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This is an illustration of a graphic that reads “Council Chats.” The image also has two text boxes to symbolise messages being sent.
ILLUSTRATION: Andrea Choi / The Peak

By: Corbett Gildersleve, News Writer

On June 18, the Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) met for their bi-weekly Council meeting. This meeting covered executive officer reports, an executive officer resignation, a motion on electronic voting in Council, and more. The Peak attended the meeting in person in room 4200 of the Student Union Building (SUB).

Executive officer reports

The president and vice-presidents reported on their work since the last Council meeting. President Landy Liu has been serving as the staff liaison officer, working with the HR lead, Chandra Trinh, on staffing issues and also serving as the legal liaison officer for the Society. 

Jessica Lamb, vice-president external and community affairs, asked the Standing Committee on Finance and Governmental Services for increased funding for student mental health and wellness, increased student financial support, and Burnaby Mountain gondola funding at the Budget 2026 Consultation Public Hearing on June 5. This committee — one of eleven permanent committees of the BC parliament — “holds an annual public consultation on the provincial budget.” Lamb told the committee that these are the “three urgent areas of investment that are critical not only for students but for the future of BC’s economy and workforce.” She also pointed out that the funding for “expanded [counselling] services tailored to BIPOC students, 2SLGBTQIA+, mature learners, and survivors of gender-based violence” was not renewed. 

Additionally, Lamb and Bagga met with the SFU International Students Office to find a better way to distribute around 200 International English Language Testing System (IELTS) exam coupons to students on campus. 

Albert Radu, vice-president events and student affairs, held two club nights — one that broke even and the other that ran a profit. Radu told The Peak, “This money will be put back into our events line item to help fund further events this year! Club night events in recent years have usually either broken even or lost money, so seeing profits and positive participation numbers is an encouraging sign of progress for the year to come!” 

Upcoming events include pet therapy on June 24 at the SUB social stage. Radu is also looking at holding a student vendor fair in the SUB soon. 

Vice-president internal and organizational development resigns

Council accepted the resignation of Ash Powers, vice-president internal and organizational development, to take effect on June 27. An interim vice-president will be appointed at the next Council meeting. In the meantime, a form will be sent out to members of Council to submit their interest. The position will be filled after a by-election is held sometime in October, as per SFSS bylaws. 

Electronic voting for Council meetings

At the SFSS’ annual general meeting last year, a bylaw amendment was passed to have Council explore electronic voting at its meetings. A motion was discussed by Council to move forward on that requirement. The motion tasked the policy affairs and research coordinator to explore different software options available and report back to Council by the next meeting. It was later amended and passed with an extension on the date to report back. 

Common room furniture grant request

Councillors Ananga Bajgai from the Math Student Union and Sharneet Kaur from the Statistics and Actuarial Science Student Association asked for $2,500 from the space expansion fund to buy new furniture and equipment for their shared common room located in the Shrum Kinesology building. Later in the meeting, the motion was discussed, where Council members asked about the costs in more detail, and the motion was approved unanimously. The space expansion fund collects upward of $300,000 a year from students, according to 2024’s financial statements, and can be used for leasing and renovating space, purchasing furniture for common rooms, and other items as listed in their policy.

SFU pianos quietly recycled due to poor condition

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Peak Web
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This is a photo of a man playing a white piano in the middle of the concrete stairways near the transportation centre on the Burnaby campus.
PHOTO: Gudrun Wai-Gunnarsson / The Peak

By: Mason Mattu, Humour Editor

Located in the heart of the Transportation Centre, adjacent to the Student Union Building, inside the Discovery 1 foyer, and at West Mall Centre level 3000, pianos were once open for students and members of the public alike to play on the Burnaby Campus. More pianos existed around campus, serenading students from the lecture halls to the bus loop, but dwindled by around June 2024. The singular piano available at the SFU Surrey Engineering Building has also been removed. 

At the beginning of the year, all of these pianos, except for the one in Discovery 1, disappeared without notice. The Peak learned these pianos were recycled. SFU said they were recycled due to damage related to exposure to “cold, damp air, and heavy use.” The singular piano left on campus is managed by Fraser International College. SFU stated they hope to continue the piano program seasonally, but the project is “dependent on funding.” 

These pianos were maintained by the SFU Vibrancy Project, a recently “retired” committee previously in charge of creating a “welcoming, inspiring, and animated campus on Burnaby Mountain.” Partnered with design consultancy group MODUS, the committee aimed “to plan for the next decade of campus life.” Established in 2020, during the shift to remote learning caused by the pandemic, the committee planned to be active for the next 7–10 years to implement their vision. The Peak reached out to the executive director of campus services, Tracey Mason-Innes, to learn why the project concluded early, but did not receive a statement by the publication deadline. SFU explained the project was a “pilot program” and that “a tight budget cycle and staffing changes within the office of the vice-president finance and administration led to changes in campus services’ priorities.”

On their archived website, the committee listed their successful initiatives as “food trucks, ping pong tables, public pianos, a community fridge, and large movable ‘SFU’ letters.” Their plans for the “next few years” included “outdoor exercise equipment, seasonal festivals, community forests, an off-leash dog park, a vibrant food and event hall, murals, and a gondola connection to the SkyTrain.” The Burnaby Mountain gondola was not included in TransLink’s proposed 2025 Investment Plan. They also provided rentals of various equipment for vibrancy initiatives. 

“Ultimately, we want to make significant strides this year to enhance the student experience at SFU, with or without support from university executives.” — Albert Radu, SFSS vice-president events and student affairs

SFU also explained that though the Vibrancy Project had been retired, its elements were transitioned. SFU provided an example that “the red umbrellas, tents, and chairs will be managed by Meeting, Events, and Conference Services, and food-related assets will sit with Food/Dining Services.”

The Peak corresponded with Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) vice-president events and student affairs Albert Radu for comment on the closure of the Vibrancy Project and what work the SFSS is doing in response. He said, “The Vibrancy Project directly addressed one of SFU’s most pressing challenges: community building. SFU is known by applicants and its students as a ‘commuter school,’ where students often come to campus solely for classes and leave immediately after them.”

However, he added that while the Vibrancy Project had “good intentions,” it “failed to address the deeper and structural problems to community-building, particularly issues of affordability, accessibility, and the lack of continued programming that engages students beyond isolated events.” Radu explained that this involves having events available at “various campuses, low entry costs (if any), and having repeat events that students can become familiar with as part of our school’s traditions.” The SFSS plans for events in the upcoming academic year such as “student markets, fall fairs, firepits, and new sports recreation activities available to all students.

“Ultimately, we want to make significant strides this year to enhance the student experience at SFU, with or without support from university executives.

“The SFSS does not have a lot of power to force the issue [of pianos on campus],” Radu added. “We hope to bring forth new initiatives that we ourselves have more direct control over implementing that will ensure that our campus community grows stronger despite this setback.”

Do not underestimate the power of local politics

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Peak Web
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a picture of Sean Orr in a conversation with an identified person
PHOTO: Courtesy of @seanorrofficial / Instagram

By: Yildiz Subuk, Staff Writer

The federal and provincial governments dominate political discourse in Canada. They tend to make the news highlights and generate the most engagement from the Canadian population. However, local politics also affect a person’s day-to-day life. For example, they are responsible for building, maintaining, and improving a city’s infrastructure. The most recent by-election in Vancouver made clear that people are getting more involved. Participation in local politics has much to do with putting power in the hands of the local community.

Local governments, such as the Vancouver municipality, control factors such as: housing, education, transportation, and bylaws. While laws are appointed by the federal and provincial governments and apply to everyone in the country, bylaws are community-specific. Bylaw categories include waste management, noise control, and public safety. Each bylaw category can be tied to a larger issue that affects members of the community. For example, zoning focuses on how the housing is built and how many housing units are built. Zoning laws can also have a role to play in housing affordability, as they can create barriers to building more housing, which drives up the cost. What seem like minuscule factors in municipalities’ jurisdictions have a significant role in shaping a community.

Despite the importance of local elections, federal elections see more than twice the turnout. What might be causing the disparity in turnout? Both provincial and federal elections have some similarities, as they feature parties the public is familiar with and draw engagement through campaigning. Inversely, the campaigning gets less publicity during a municipal election, and there are no familiar parties, but individual candidates representing the people. This means voters must learn about each candidate to make the most informed decision. While these factors can make local elections difficult to keep up with, sources such as CivicInfo BC can provide valuable information on the candidates.  

While it can seem like matters are stagnant, major changes come from the local level.

Even though local politics have had low engagement in the past, there has been a recent shift in BC. During the most recent by-election, which took place April 5. Sean Orr and Lucy Maloney — two progressive candidates — were elected as city councillors by a large margin. There has been an 84% increase in advance voting as compared to 2017, signifying an increased involvement with local politics. Currently, the people of Vancouver have been outraged by Ken Sim’s work as the mayor. Critics of the mayor and his party have complained they are building properties that are unaffordable for many, while targeting the unhoused population by spending money on law enforcement to dismantle encampments. Currently, 7 out of the 10 members of Vancouver’s city council are made up of ABC members, but in this current by-election, which focused on filling two spots, the city spoke loud and clear. 

Orr launched his campaign focusing on housing rights, homelessness, and transportation, while Mulaney focused on protecting tenants and creating better mental health services. Meanwhile, ABC candidates failed to secure even a third of the votes. Orr is part of the coalition of progressive electors (COPE), which ran attacks on Sim, outing him for corruption. One of the campaign’s motto was “evict Ken Sim” which refers to how the mayor puts many people at risk due to making housing unaffordable. COPE targets the fact Sim wants to sell public land to private developers who can set expensive pricing for property. Affordability is being put in the hands of someone incapable. However, this time around the movement has gained traction and Orr received the most votes. Due to Sim’s policies, and clear devotion to upholding regressive standards favouring the elites, the general public stood in solidarity with Orr to ensure ABC has less autonomy within city council.

While it can seem like matters are stagnant, major changes come from the local level. The most recent by-election is a reminder that the needs of the communities can eclipse those who chase power to uphold elitist standards. Although federal and provincial politics are important, it is vital to not let them overshadow the local scale. When communities make informed decisions together, tangible change becomes more within grasp.

Pride, politics, and the pause on performative allyship

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Peak Web
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ILLUSTRATION: a market shelf with Pride merch being pushed aside, while non-descriptive merch is placed front and centre.
ILLUSTRATION: Jill Baccay / The Peak

By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Writer

Taking a stand on certain issues is a useful tactic for businesses to connect with their consumers. For example, the recent Canada-US trade war has motivated Canadian companies to advertise using the “Buy Canadian” trend. Unsurprisingly, companies capitalize on their consumer base’s desire for their purchases by reflecting consumers’ values to increase their market profit. One of the communities that is targeted for profit maximization is the 2SLGBTQIA+ community. Companies plaster colourful flags for the purposes of virtue-signalling, otherwise known as rainbow capitalism, every June. 

Trends in the public sphere of the 2010s were increasingly accepting of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, largely due to the growing visibility of 2SLGBTQIA+ people in media. It seemed that, due to the increase in people supporting the community, companies followed suit, shifting their marketing to fit the values of the mainstream consumer base. This practice has provided us with the Skittles’ “only #OneRainbow matters” campaign, and brands like Starbucks pumping out pride merch with gusto. Still, this is seen as antithetical to Pride by many in the queer and trans community, since corporations thematically profit off the exploitation of working class people, which will always marginalize queer and trans people disproportionately. 

Additionally, a company should be more than rainbow-coloured for a month to be considered an ally to the 2SLGBTQIA+ community. Discrimination in the workplace remains a prevalent problem for queer and gender diverse people: In fact, about 73% of 2SLGBTQIA+ people experience harassment and violence due to their gender identity or sexuality at work at some point in their career, according to the Canadian Labour Congress. If your company is tolerant of anti-trans talk in the coffee room but will sponsor your city’s pride parade for a prime spot, that’s not an ally: that’s an opportunist. If you have to hide your gender identity from your bosses and/or coworkers to avoid discrimination, that is not a welcoming environment. 

Where are these performative corporations this year, though, when the pride flag should be waving in our face at every commercial break, bus stop ad, and banking login page? This year has seen a massive pullback on Pride Month’s commodification, with companies that were such avid supporters in the past. Large corporate sponsors, like Anheuser-Busch, are walking away from funding pride parades. Companies like Skittles are choosing to quietly donate to GLAAD instead of running their usual no-rainbow campaigns. Is it no longer profitable to be a performative ally? 

If your company is tolerant of anti-trans talk in the coffee room but will sponsor your city’s Pride Parade for a prime spot, that’s not an ally: that’s an opportunist.

One thing that a corporation will never be is a true advocate. The pattern is painfully familiar: a brand embraces diversity when it’s profitable, only to retreat the moment their bottom line is threatened. Recently, this retreat came at full display when Pride Vancouver experienced a considerable pull back of support by major corporations. Pride Vancouver isn’t the only one confronting a world of disappearing allyships, Pride Toronto, is among many others across the country, experiencing such disengagement. Companies, such as Google and Home Depot, have dropped their donations without citing a reason. This isn’t surprising considering both of those companies’ pasts in exhibiting anti-2SLGBTQIA+ stances. Where Google actively censors 2SLGBTQIA+ content across its platforms, and Home Depot donates to anti-2SLGBTQIA+ legislators.   

Despite the progress made in 2SLGBTQIA+ rights and visibility, we are learning first hand that political trends cycle. We are experiencing a vocal political shift to the right, even among the younger generation. Young people are becoming increasingly conservative, driving polls to favour the likes of Trump and Poilievre. With vocal outcry against trans rights to bathrooms and gender-affirming care, leading the discriminatory discourse. 

So what does this mean? No more performative allyship? For now. There’s a chance that some companies will be back though, cloying for attention with neon Target shirts to get the festival queers back in their corner. Once the social trends favour the left of the political spectrum again, they’ll be a valuable market to corporations once again. At least now, we are able to see which companies, such as Ben and Jerry’s, can hold their ground, when the right-wing gets to rioting — with their not-so-subtle social media posts telling us where their values lie. 

Being an ally is not something that can be confined to the month of June, or when the economy is strong enough to handle a little activism. Pride is not something to be commodified, it is a display of strength, empowerment, and love. Even though corporations are backing out of pride for selfish reasons, Pride Month is better off without corporations inserting themselves in a space that isn’t about them. The presence of corporations at pride parades has homogenized the nature of a rich and diverse community that overarchingly values grassroots efforts, loyalty, and identity. We always knew that companies were just hopping on the bandwagon. Now we’ve got the proof in the pudding.

Book Nook: Young adult queer book recommendations

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Peak Web
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It is a photo of the spines of the listed books neatly arranged on a stack
PHOTO: Puneet Aulakh / The Peak

By: Rusham Verma, Peak Associate

One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston

If you’re a sci-fi fanatic and a hopeless romantic, this book was written just for you. It’s about a lonely and walled-off 23-year-old girl, August Landry, who moves to New York. There, she meets the bold and charismatic Jane Su. August’s love at first sight quickly changes into a race against time to get Jane back to her timeline. 

While the book is premised on a “love-at-first-sight” plot, it also dives deep into grief, loss, and the oppression of the queer community in the 1970s. 

Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas

Reading paranormal romances is always fun, and this one does not disappoint! This story follows a transgender boy named Yadriel, hailing from a Latinx family who wants to be a brujo — a magic user who guides the dead. In trying to do that, he accidentally summons a rebellious, chaotic, and handsome ghost named Julian. Julian died under very suspicious circumstances, and wants to know what happened, not leaving Yadriel’s side. This romance story evolves into an epic love story, featuring side mysteries, a slow-burn romance, and a grounding in Cuban and Mexican culture. 

Yadriel’s determination to make his family and community see him for who he is and to fully accept his identity makes this story’s heart — something that will stay in your mind as a celebration of identity, culture, and belonging. 

The Passing Playbook by Isaac Fitzsimons

If you liked Heartstopper by Alice Oseman, then this is the perfect next book to read. It follows a 15-year-old trans boy named Spencer Harris, who enrolls in a new private school after a horrible incident in his old one. He wants to keep to himself, not come out to anyone and just play football. As we can expect, there’s a brooding, brilliant, bisexual star-player on the team. Justice looks emotionally guarded but notices everything, along with the chemistry between him and Spencer. 

This book is for readers who desire a fluffy and cute queer romance, without the trauma that is more often than not, present in queer romances. The moments between Spencer and Justice are soft, vulnerable and hopeful all in one, which will make you want to re-read it as soon as you finish it. 

Pitt Meadows saves WrestleMania 42

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Peak Web
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A WWE ring put on a grassy field/farm. The WrestleMania Pitt Meadows illustration should be hanging from the top of the image, over the ring. Inside should be John Cena and a hillbilly looking farmer getting ready to square up.
LOGO ILLUSTRATION: Victoria Lo / The Peak IMAGE: Gudrun Wai-Gunnarsson / The Peak

By: Katie Walkley, SFU student

This week, WWE fans of British Columbia are celebrating with more fervour than Hulk Hogan flexing his win against Andre the Giant at WrestleMania 3. I know there are lots of peace-loving pumpkins out there who don’t know what I’m talking about. So, here’s the hoedown throwdown. To the utter joy of the guy who carries around the Vancouver for WrestleMania sign at every show, our very own Pitt Meadows has become the host of WrestleMania 42!

Before WWE made this, they had already gone through two locations. Their first choice — New Orleans — didn’t have the same bang for their buck as their next choice, the hip and happening Las Vegas. After turning their backs on Louisiana, the corporate weasels in charge of WWE financing went on a very necessary business trip to scope out their new location. During their trip, they “lost” the company card and found it maxed out at Circus Circus.

With no money, the jabronis had no choice but to look for a third location. Their desperation took them all the way to humble ol’ Pitt Meadows, where they found a local legend willing to let them use his farmland as a free arena in exchange for a wrestle with John Cena.

“This event is in line with our strategic tourist goals for 2050,” Pitt Meadows Mayor Nicole MacDonald told The Peak. “We haven’t had this much buzz in town since Jesus was born on one of our farms!”  

Now that you’re up to speed, it’s time to dish on some anticipated drama.

The cargo in the gossip trains has told me that WWE superstar Naomi received her tractor licence soon after hearing news of the venue change. Looks like she’s still angry! Recently, she came clean about her secret backstage attack on Jade — she literally suplexed her onto the hood of a car. Ouch. All she wanted was to protect her friendship with her tag team partner Bianca. When her apology didn’t work, she threatened to hurt Bianca next. Hopefully, once they experience the peaceful farm life of Pitt Meadows, the girlbosses will reconnect. However, as someone who has had her days of rowdiness in her youth, I can tell you that the Meadow can bring the sour out of even the sweetest apple in the pie (and we all know that Naomi has that tartness to her).

We can also look forward to WWE’s modern take on jousting. This was one of the main conditions that Pitt Meadows had for hosting this event — given the fact that they have to pave so many new roads to accommodate all these darn tourists. That’s right, it’s exactly what you’d think: horseback wrestling. Some may say that this is even less advanced than jousting’s first appearance in medieval times. I would say, so is every so-called “modern” thing these days (you feel me, fellow oldies?). Anyways, WWE is calling all Pitt Meadovians to enter their mighty steeds into a draw that will choose which lucky beasts will carry our wrestling heroes into victory.

So, with all the information we have so far about next year’s WrestleMania, we are stuck tossing and turning over two burning questions: first, will Naomi make peace out of hate? Second, and most importantly, will Uncle Joe take down John Cena?

There’s only one way to find out. I’ll see you on the hay bales next spring for the biggest show that Pitt Meadows has seen since the farmer’s market of ‘05.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us:
[email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024