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Wanted: McFogg the Dog

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By Graham Cook

SFU could soon have a new face behind the mascot McFogg the Dog. The athletics department, which recently took over the handling of mascot duties from Student Services, put out a call for applications with a deadline of August 3.
The position comes with a pay rate of $10.50 per hour and will require the employee to be available for anywhere five to 20 hours per week. According to the application, the duties include “Enjoy[ing] the job and hav[ing] fun!” as well as “provid[ing] a fun and entertaining atmosphere for the various members of the community who enter our sports venues.” The job is not all fun and games however, as they will also have the responsibility of “act[ing] professionally in all aspects of the job.” Qualifiers include being an SFU student and having knowledge of sports events. Previous mascot experience is also considered an asset.
Sports information director Ben Hodge spoke with The Peak about this veritable changing of the guard, stating, “with us moving in to the NCAA now it’s important to increase our environment at games . . . [switching from student services to the Athletics Department] seemed like a good way to evolve the program and mix it up.” He went on to state that they are looking for someone who “is ambitious. We want somebody who is going to interact with fans . . . students, general population, parents, and staff; anyone who wants to enjoy our events. . . . We want someone who is going to engage those people [and] make the games a more fun atmosphere.” Hodge also added that he wants McFogg the Dog to become a bigger part of the campus community. The mascot will also have a number of handlers to “get them water if they need water . . . and make sure they don’t get beat up.”
Those who wish to apply are asked to contact marketing and event coordinator Nick Sirski, though only those selected for interviews will be contacted.

Board shorts

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By David Dyck


Fall event postponed indefinitely

Although nothing was officially decided at last week’s meeting, member services officer (MSO) Humza Khan raised some serious concerns in regards to the “welcome back” concert that was being planned for the fall. The problem revolved mainly around a lack of time.

“Today I was waiting for the final verdict from the university, whether they want this event to go forward or not, and there were two sides to their response. [First] was ‘Yes, we will always support students in anything they do and in any such event that they want to put up.’ And [second] was ‘we would rather put on the best event possible than an event that is in a makeshift scenario or under a short timeline.’” Ultimately, Khan stated that he appreciated the university’s position.

“The reason it is a short timeline is that we haven’t signed a contract, and we only have the artists on hold, not booked, but on hold until Monday. Our preferred artists are on hold until Monday only, and we do not have enough time to get our contracts reviewed by the legal team.” Khan added that he was personally disappointed, but “would personally rather see it happen correctly than another K’naan event and discouraging the students. You know that if the student society fails the first time, I can guarantee you that there will be no such event for the next 10 years.”

 

New website to go live this week

Communications coordinator Stijn Daenens gave an update on the society’s new website, which is scheduled to go live this Wednesday. “If you see something that’s bothering you, or you notice something that’s wrong, please email me right away . . . and we’ll fix it,” Daenens told the board.

“We assessed the old website and tried to be creative with that,” Daenens told The Peak after the meeting. “One of the major new features is an events calendar for the campus, and with that is going to be integrated volunteer opportunities. So every event, anyone can submit any event with volunteer opportunities.”

There will also be more information available in regards to meeting times and committee vacancies in the society. “If anyone is interested, they can just go to ‘committees,’ see what they do, see the vacant positions, and apply to the chair. You can also see who is on which committee, and minutes.

“It’ll be more work for me, but I think it’ll be more rewarding for the student society,” he added.

Horoscopes: June 30th

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Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Scorpions! Scorpions everywhere! In your shoes, in your mout ­— Oh wait, sorry that’s this week’s Horrorscope. My mistake.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
This week’s winning Taurus is Kathleen Mayweather of Akron, Iowa. Your $20 TGI-Fridays gift certificate is in the mail.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
This week someone will accidentally buttdial you. It will be the most meaningful conversation you’ve had in years.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
What a coincidence, your sign is cancer too!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
It’s finally time to stop lying to yourself you don’t like raw tomatoes. You never have.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)
When was the last time you spoke to your mom? You know, those test results sounded kind of serious. Oh, you’re busy. K.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)
Looks like you’re going to be lucky in love this week — err no wait, it’s you’re going to be in love with “Lucky”. Cartoon leperchaun fetish.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
This week, the stars say you should be less concerned with them and more concerned with the 2 mile-wide asteroid barreling towards Earth.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)
Expect an interesting financial transaction this week. You’re going to get mugged.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Go for the gold this week, avoid performance enhancing drugs and boost your scores the old fashioned way, by bribing the French judge.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
Jupiter is in freefall this week. Sell! Sell! Sell!

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
You’re not going to do so hot on land, because you’re a fish. Shut up, it’s the last horoscope. Just let me drink in peace. Drink like a fish. Heh.

By Gary Lim

Petter Watch: July 30th

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Petter contemplates Zen and the meaning of life while working on his Harley Davidson.

Ski Ninjas: Sexy Sexy

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By Kyle Lees at Ski Ninjas

Word on the Street: July 30th

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Q:So, the Summer Olympics officially kicked off last Friday with opening ceremonies in London. Thoughts?

 

“You yanks must have a couple roos loose in the paddock.  Else why’d you be holding the Summer Olympics in the middle of bleedin’ winter every year.  Dingo, vegemite, wallaby.”
Australia
Crazy backward land

 

“I refuse to watch the Olympics knowing full well that by 2116, the Olympics will have evolved into the Hunger Games.”
Gregory Barnett
Man in tin foil hat

 

“My word, the Olympiad games still exist? Astonishing. Surely this is a sign that the Greek civilization has remained as powerful and resplendent as in my day. 
Ankletos
Ancient Greek

 

“Kiiiiiillll…..uuusss…”
Wenlock and Mandeville
Mascot . . . things

 

”Oh, yeah the Olympics. I’m…totally excited for those, just packed to the brim with patriotism. Hooray sports.”
Herman Miller
Just wants to watch Seinfeld

By Gary Lim

News Beat: July 30th

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SFU professor wins world record for thickest accent

In a small ceremony held in Convocation Mall last Saturday, Guinness World Record officials awarded SFU professor of computing science, Ranjeet Chupala, the distinct honour of having the world’s thickest accent.

Competing amogst several prominent anti-linguists, Ranjeet wowed the judges with his indecipherable grammar, mumbling and inconsistent volume skills. He beat out the favourite to win, Tinashe Bosede, a Zimbali calculus professor stationed at the University of Lethbridge who conversed entirely in clicks and broken English.

In a short speech after receiving the award, Chupala thanked his students, fellow faculty members and the weather-beaten National Geographics, he used to teach himself English. “I’m most thankful that the world record company’s has being chosen me, for have the award. ”

The speech then continued for another several minutes, but this reporter was unable to extract any more information from the vague utterances that came out of Chapala’s mouth.

— Gregory Gregor

 

Fact checkers union goes on strike

Marking the probably-not-first time that a privatized sector has taken job action, the Fact Checkers Union of Canada announced sometime last week that it would immediately end all fact checking services, effectively grinding all major Canadian news outlets to a halt.

The FCUC have been in talks with Canadian communications giants Shaw Media and Postmedia, but as of last week have still failed to negotiate the terms for their 2013 contract renewal. Or maybe extension; one of those for sure.

Lamden Calbert, professor of . . . a professor at the University of . . . a notable scholar in the field of labour negations, was quoted as saying something along the lines of this being bad. Bad for the news corporations that is, and the flow of information being a key strategic good thing, for the FCUC.

Showing solidaritty with the FCUC, the Candian Proofreader’s Commision anounced last week it would be taking similer job action, reducing their hours to 1-tenth normal dooties.

 

— Sally Salzberg

 

SFU to hold contest for location of a new campus 

Last week, SFU president Andrew Petter announced the beginning of a fun new contest to decide the home of a new campus location.

With campuses already in Whalley, the downtown eastside and up a mountain, the “U-Build-It” contest offers people around the community the chance to nominate the most undesirable locations they can think of to establish a new chapter for SFU.

In his weekly address, president Petter outlines the goals of the project. “Surrey and Woodwards were steps in the right direction. We already have people willing to push back their graduation plans just to avoid taking classes there.  But we need to go further, dream bigger. I envision a campus so arduous and tedious to reach, it makes people reconsider even enrolling in SFU.”

Contest frontrunners include the L.A. neighbourhood Compton, the North Korean capital Pyongyang and the backseat of a Greyhound Bus at the tail end of a cross-country vacation.

 

— Brad McLeod

 

By Gary Lim and Brad McLeod

The internet impedes our judgment

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By Emily Walker

Wolfville (CUP) — Recently, I awoke to a dreamy, snow-laden landscape with thick flakes floating through the air. I lunched and strolled with a dear friend and enjoyed a cup of coffee with another. I came home, made a pot of tea and settled into a chair to read a book. These events may seem mundane, yet they afforded me a deep satisfaction. I was happy because I had been wholly immersed in the tangible, unpredictable world we live in. Somehow, I had avoided booting up my computer and zoning into the Internet.

The internet is a curious thing: it gives us any information we want in mere seconds, and yet unfailingly leaves us feeling unfulfilled. Certainly, it pervades most interactions of our generation, yet few things are as alluring as the chance to slip free of the constricting mantle of the World Wide Web. Perhaps it is the lack of quality stimulation, for our senses are minimally occupied. Pictures are low-res and an unnatural colour, and the very act of staring at the glowing screen strains our eyes. Sounds are muffled and distorted. We press on tiny squares to input our thoughts. Scents relate only to the environment in which we compute, independent of the backlit universe with which our minds are so forcefully absorbed. We are mentally engaged (sometimes), but for the most part, physically disengaged. Furthermore, there is no synchrony to our stimulation.

I am not against the Internet — it dwarfs the impact of the printing press in both its astounding volume and accessibility of information. However, we have forgotten that online reading is not the only vehicle for education. So many profound, personal revelations can be distilled from the soft settling of snow on a winter night or the vastness of a mountaintop panorama. Likewise, a rousing discussion with a friend can awaken even the most stubborn to how poorly substantiated their biases may be. When we explore the pillars of our personal ideologies through conversations with other human beings, we can be shaken by the fragility of our convictions. In doing so, we move closer to understanding our inner voice.

To have an inner voice is to have an opinion. We are losing our opinions. The Internet appears to be awash in opinions of all sorts — in articles, in comments, on blogs. But how many are substantiated? How many are borrowed? With this access to information, we also gain access to predetermined opinions. It’s tempting to adopt rather than create. Why?

Well, in order to glean truth from a data set, a debate or even an offhand comment, you need to reflect. Unfortunately, the internet is not conducive to reflection. Our minds are constantly bombarded with information and therefore cannot process it in a meaningful way. We must unplug in order to mull over what we have absorbed. In doing so, we find ourselves; we motivate the “I” and “me” and “my.”

There is an alternative explanation. Maybe we do have opinions, but are afraid to publicize them for fear of how others will attack us. Anonymous posts and user names cleave the link between comment and commentator; consequently, responsibility for the opinion is never assigned. In this way, the online arena devolves into a circus, both cruel and naive.

We are one of the only species that can predict, recall and reflect on what we observe. Observe your surroundings and reflect on what you see, hear, taste, touch and smell. Maintain your skepticism. Above all, indulge in time away from your computer. The reward may surprise you.

Ignored by public for years, stranded man is finally rescued from busy street median

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By Brad McLeod

SURREY — Late last night, a rescue helicopter airlifted a young man to safety from a street median near the intersection of Nordel and Scott Road. According to Search and Rescue, the missing man had been stuck on the highway divider for over five years.

Despite looking dishevelled, with a long beard and tattered clothing, Aaron Reinhart, a castaway for more than half a decade, was nothing but smiles when speaking  to the media this morning, only hours after being reunited with his family.

Reinhart described the events that led to his disappearance as the result of “a foolish mistake” and considers himself lucky to be alive.

“It started like any other day, I was sitting at a bench waiting for the bus to go to work” explained Reinhart, who was at the time a successful accountant, “it was running a little late, so I decided to quickly go pick up some cigarettes at the gas station across the street. I don’t know why but I didn’t want to walk all the way to the crosswalk so I put all my better judgement and morals aside and jaywalked.”

“I don’t know what I was thinking, risking my life just to save a couple of minutes. Next thing I know, cars started coming in from every direction (two) and I’m running for my life.” Reinhart continued, holding back tears. “Luckily, the median was there, otherwise I’d probably be dead.”

When traffic didn’t die down, Reinhart weighed his options, and instead of risking his life trying to find his own way back to civilization, he decided to stay marooned on the median and wait for rescue.

“Weeks went by and no one seemed to notice me,” Reinhart lamented. “I even managed to make a sign explaining my situation and how I needed money to pay for cell phone credits so I could be rescued, but no one ever seemed to see me, they always just rolled up their windows and pretended to tune their radios like I was invisible or something.”

Unable to shave and surviving off discarded McDonalds meals, Reinhart grew increasingly ratty looking as he slowly gave up hope of ever seeing his family or walking on a sidewalk ever again.

“It was hell,” he explained. “Every day just looking out at a world that was nothing but Mazda Miata after Mazda Miata, I almost went insane.”

Reinhart went on to describe the dark realities of life on the median, “I thought of killing myself more than once; just throwing myself into the oncoming traffic lane and ending it like so many of the squirrels I’d eaten. But K.L. kept me from the edge, he always looked out for me.”

K.L. is the name Reinhart gave to the face crudely scrawled on the Keep Left sign also on the median, his only friend for five years.

Reinhart says the 1,826 days he spent on the median were the loneliest of his life, that he owes his survival to the men and women who rescued him, and that he has vowed to never go on another dangerous jaywalking mission.

The Search and Rescue crew from last night, on the other hand, say that they’re no heroes, and that Reinhart really owes his life to the group of six teenagers who died in an avalanche while they were busy “rescuing” him.