Clan back in win column

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October 28, 2013

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BURNABY — Feeling the strains of the current economic situation, ‘evil strangers’ across the entire lower mainland are reportedly not going to be able to disguise their dangerous Halloween treats this year and are opting, instead, to just hand out razor blades to local children.

According to a friend of a friend, these dangerous and totally real neighbourhood weirdoes who live as regular members of the community all year except for one night when they maliciously harm random children, apparently “just can’t afford the apples and home-made candies that they used to tamper.”

Creeps all over the city have had to face the reality of the financial climate and realize that it isn’t feasible for them to buy anything more than just child-killing essentials.

Until delicious treat prices drop enough to match that of razorblades, creativity will suffer.

Although just razorblades are not expected to be as effective in harming children as those carefully hidden in irresistible apples, local parents are still being warned to be vigilant of their kids treats and to make sure that they, under no circumstances, allow their children to eat any unwrapped razor blades.

Playing dead

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October 28, 2013

In the wake of of last year’s popular site-specific theatre experience The Zombie Syndrome, The Virtual Stage presents the sequel, The Zombie Syndrome: On Death Island, which runs until Nov. 3. If you’re looking for a unique way to get in the Halloween spirit, this show is the perfect fit.

Unlike a conventional theatre experience, audience members (“special agents”) are not told the venue until the night before their “mission.” The secret rendez-vous point, along with instructions for getting your smartphone ready for action, are emailed to all participants. There is even a “secret pass phrase” to use once you arrive.

During the meeting at the beginning of the mission, each agent is given a role within the story: I was the engineer, and my boyfriend was the psychologist. There’s also a chemist, biologist, electrician, and many other roles. As the engineer I was given zip ties to use later in the show, but I won’t tell you what that was for.

Roaming around “Death Island,” trying not to get eaten by zombies, and using smartphones to help the Department of National Defence track down the terrorist Sgt. William Sullivan are all things guests can look forward to.

Unlike a conventional theatre experience, audience members (“special agents”) are not told the venue until the night before their “mission.”

Last year’s show, also written by Andy Thompson, was very well received by audiences and was nominated for two Jessie Richardson Theatre Awards. This show picks up where the last left off, as Sgt. Sullivan holds the only cure to the deadly virus that reanimates the dead, and Sgt. Benjamin Allan has called in special agents to stop him. That being said, it is not essential that you’ve seen last year’s show since all of these details will be explained.

While last year’s show was more spread out, involving different locations around the city and requiring the use of public transit and a van to pick up agents after their mission, this year’s incarnation has improved that aspect of the show and there is little transportation involved. They have also minimized the number of physical clues and envelopes of evidence that participants have to decipher, which was a bit disappointing as it was enjoyable the first time around.

Even though I loved the way producers, The Virtual Stage, incorporated smartphone technology — like QR codes and GPS — into the show and made the audience part of the action, I think there is room for improvement.

Should they decide to put on a third installment next year there are a few things they could do to make the experience even better. A couple of the actors, for example, seemed to struggle to stay completely in character when faced with a group of people who say and do unexpected things and, at some points the pace felt a bit too rushed as we were moved along to our next stop.

I would also like to see more zombies involved in the show and maybe some more excitement surrounding them. There were a couple of scenes that featured small hordes, but even though we were constantly looking over our shoulders, I only saw one lone zombie wandering around.

Still, there were definitely some moments that elicited shrieks from fellow agents, and this may be your only chance to prepare for a zombie apocalypse after all, so I suggest you sign up to help save the world.

Halloween Mixtape

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October 28, 2013

Greeting, boys and ghouls! With Halloween fast approaching, many of you will likely be hosting parties, carving pumpkins, and planning optimal trick-or-treating routes, all in anticipation of the big night. As your trusty campus boos-paper, The Peak has compiled a spooky mixtape in honour of Halloween 2013.

Notice: The Peak is not responsible for any hooded figures, shapeshifting spectres or bloodthirsty, feral animals which may be attracted by this mixtape. We can neither confirm or deny its capacity to open a portal to hell underneath the Academic Quadrangle which may never be closed again, and we advise that you avoid the area altogether. Please do not to listen to this mix within the proximity of any abandoned hospitals, military bases or mental facilities, and especially not by candlelight while chanting repetitively in Latin. You have been warned.

Side One

1. “Thriller” — Michael Jackson

2. “Psycho Killer” — Talking Heads

3. “Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps)” — David Bowie

4. “We Suck Young Blood” — Radiohead

5. “The Ghost of You Lingers” — Spoon

6. “Creature Fear” — Bon Iver

7. “Devil Town” — Daniel Johnston

8. “The Time Warp” — The cast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Side Two

1. “Hallowe’en” — Sonic Youth

2. “The House That Dripped Blood” — The Mountain Goats

3. “Headless Horseman” — The Microphones

4. “Halloween Candy” — The Spinanes

5. “Shadowplay” — Joy Division

6. “Monster” — Kanye West

7. “Inertia Creeps” — Massive Attack

8. “Monster Mash” — Bobby “Boris” Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers

Listen to this and other Peak mixtapes at 8tracks!

Man can’t believe he’s the only one who wishes there was a “Halloween with the Kranks”

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October 28, 2013

THE INTERNET — A man who goes by the username “krankaddict1” on the popular online movie and superficiality website, IMDB, was shocked to discover that no one else in the world shares his dream for a Halloween sequel to the 2004 family hijinks film “Christmas with the Kranks.”

Despite being extremely excited to find a community in which he hoped people would discuss potential plot points, scenes and casting choices for his imagined sequel, he didn’t receive a single reply to his thread entitled “Halloween with the Kranks? This needs to happen!”

As the days went on he began to realize that he was completely alone in this world and spent hours sadly refreshing his lone comment, “who’s with me?” to constant disappointment.

Although this news has upset “krankaddict1,” he has vowed to not let it get to him and is already working on a separate thread where he describes in detail a potential scene where Tim Allen’s character gets a pumpkin stuck on his head, and has also posted a message on Erik Per Sullivan’s IMDB profile page asking him if he’d consider starring in the imaginary movie.

University Briefs

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October 28, 2013

UBC Theatre makes students’ Halloween dreams come true

This Halloween season, the University of British Columbia’s Department of Theatre is selling some of their custom-made costumes for those looking for an elaborate and realistic Halloween character. The costumes on sale are those that the department has determined cannot be repurposed for future productions and are all priced at under $10.

This is the second year the theatre department has sold its old clothing; last year the sale was successful in selling off the majority of its old clothing. Each costume was made specifically for an actor for a certain performance, and much of that information can still be found on the costumes’ labels.

With files from The Ubyssey

Half of Canadian students say “no” to rubbers

According to a new national study by Trojan Condoms, only half of Canadian post-secondary students are pulling out a little rubber friend when it’s time to get busy.

The study found that two-thirds of students, aged 18 to 24, reported having a sexual encounter in the last year. Out of that group, 72 per cent had sexual intercourse, and of those only 51 per cent reported using a condom. For those that used condoms, more than half said they used them for birth control, while six per cent mentioned protection against sexually transmitted diseases.

According to Dr. Robin Milhausen, an associate professor at the University of Guelph who is analyzing the study data, many post-secondary students suffer from safe sex fatigue. “They haven’t had a scare and think ‘this isn’t going to happen to me’ because they feel robust,” said Milhausen.

With files from Canoe

Bonus American Brief: University of Minnesota sends advisory –— no offensive costumes

In a letter e-mailed to students on Oct. 10, University of Minnesota officials warned students not to don costumes this Halloween that “inappropriately perpetuate racial, cultural and gender stereotypes.”

Danita Brown Young, vice provost and dean of students, who cosigned the letter, said, “This is about raising awareness . . . We just want people to be respectful and be thoughtful when they are celebrating Halloween.”

According to Mike Schmit, the undergraduate student body president, other student associations are following the university’s example. In an email two weeks ago, Beta Theta Pi sent a similar message to its members with the subject line: “HAVE FUN, but be respectful.” The email included a list of unacceptable party themes (“blackface, men dressing like women”) and acceptable ones (“disco party, heroes and villains”).

With files from Star Tribune

SFU swims strong at Air Force meet

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October 28, 2013

Last weekend, SFU’s men’s and women’s swimming squads headed to Colorado to take on some elite competition at the United States Air Force Academy Dual Meet Invitational. The event featured swimmers from Colorado College, Colorado School of Mines, Colorado Mesa University, University of Nebraska-Omaha, and National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) Division I’s Air Force Academy.

Both Clan teams handled their competition well, but struggled against Air Force.

After the first day of competition, on Oct. 18, and 13 events for both the men and women’s sides, the Clan men led Colorado School of Mines 127–77 and Colorado Mesa 127–103.

Meanwhile, the Clan women led the University of Nebraska-Omaha (who were only competing on the women’s category) 132–104, Colorado Mesa 154–82, and the Colorado School of Mines 174-54. However, both teams were downed by Air Force, the men by a 142.50–89.50 score and the women by nearly the same score, 140–92.

The second day of dual meet competition was more of the same: both Clan teams blew Colorado College out of the water, posting scores of 156–48 and 165–64 by the men and women respectively. However, both teams were easily handled by Air Force again, with the men falling 144-81 and the women 145-88.

Both teams struggled against Air Force.

Despite falling against Div. I Air Force, the Clan had a successful start to the season. In addition to their general success at the Air Force meet, both men and women defeated the University of Puget Sound Loggers in their first meet of the season two weeks ago.

The Clan dominated, sweeping each of the 28 events they competed in. (Editor’s note: the term “sweep” refers to the act of sweeping an opponent aside, with no dirt or blemishes (or losses) left to see. Incidentally, witches are also known to use brooms, a tool for sweeping, as a means of transportation, and can occasionally be seen roaming the night skies around this time of year).

It’s early yet, with only two events under the Clan’s belt this season, and competitions running almost straight through until March. But early success is still success, and the Clan will aim to keep it going as the season progresses.

Where are they now?

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October 28, 2013

Ever wonder what happened to those (HALLOWEEN-RELATED) celebrities who were everywhere back then, but have since fallen off the face of the earth? Well, stop asking yourself stupid questions like an idiot and find out where they are — now!

Casper the Friendly Alive Human Being

Unfamous sickly child

Remember this guy? Sure, he certainly was friendly but other than that there was nothing particularly special or interesting about Casper the Friendly Alive Human Being. After spending the majority of his life battling illness, he died at a young age with being ‘friendly’ as his only legacy. Amazingly though Casper the Friendly Alive Human Being would actually become more famous in death and ended up becoming the well-known spirit of today, Casper the Friendly Ghost! Who ever said death wasn’t the best route to celebrity?

Victims of Zombie Bites

The Former Living Alive

While many zombie bite victims spent their lives prior to their attack contributing to society, communicating with others through words and bending their knees as they walk, that all changed after their bites. Nowadays, these people are real assholes and have totally given up on all of their former hobbies and aspirations to just focus on nothing but ‘brains.’ Sure they had a traumatic experience but that’s no reason to just give up. I mean look at victims of radioactive spider-bites! At least they’re doing something with their lives!

Your Chocolate Covered Raisins

Uneated, unappreciated leftover Halloween candy

You probably didn’t give these guys a second thought after you ate the rest of your acceptable trick-or-treat candy when you were a kid, but your chocolate covered raisins actually went on to accomplish a lot. You see, by not eating them and leaving them out in your pillowcase on the ground, they were actually all eaten and enjoyed by your family dog. Even more amazing, they were actually what caused it to get sick and die. Amazing right? And to think, your parents said there was nothing you could’ve done . . .

Woman accused of witchcraft demands right to a fair burning

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October 28, 2013

YE OLD BURNABY — A local woman accused of witchcrafting around campus has reportedly announced that she deserves a thorough, detailed and fair burning before being denounced as a witch.

The woman, a third year alchemy student at Ye Old Simon Fraser University, was accused of first-degree dark magic after she was discovered with a broomstick in her quarters but is now claiming she is entitled to a civil and lawful public third-degree burning.

“I know I’m not a witch and I’m willing to go to the stake to prove it,” the alleged witch told Ye Old Peak last week. “When I’m unable to use magic and burn up and die everyone will see that I was innocent the whole time!”

While others have even gone as far as to say that the woman deserves a fair trial, similar to what those witches got in Salem except fair, since objectivity in newspapers doesn’t exist yet I’m just going to say that she is definitely a witch and should be killed.

I mean she did have a broom, I can’t see any reason why a woman who’s not a witch would ever have one of those!

Originally printed in the Peak’s Humourous Section in 1692.

Ghosts in Gastown

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October 28, 2013