By: Mason Mattu, Humour Editor and resident nepo baby

I sit on a very warm bench,

That feeling is amplified, 

By the pain of my team asking me for water to pass (not a balllll).

The basketball coach is actually my dad, 

He just stares and looks at me,

Says it’s very scary that I’m a Red Leaf. Oh daddddd. 

Dad . . . COACH! SORRY . . . you have any plans for me?

‘Cause if not I’m gonna try out for ultimate frisbee, 

I wanna throw a basketball and be free. 

Don’t ask where I throw the b-ball,

It’s definitely where it’s meant to be, 

I’m a good player . . . I’m 6 ft!! 

I don’t wanna sit on the sideline and play with a Transformer, 

I don’t wanna be a benchwarmer.

I just know I can be better, be better, be better.

I don’t wanna trip over my own feet,

I think it’s just the size of my cleats!

Oh wait, wrong sport . . . I can still be better, be better.

My girlfriend’s only with me,

‘Cause I play for the SFU basketball team, 

Imagine the look on her face if she sees me in a tournie . . . oh nooo.

I’ve been too embarrassed for her to see,

That I have a special jersey. 

That reads “WATER BOY” for all to see. OH DADDDD. 

Do you have plans for me? 

If not I’m going to tell your wife (my mom) you won’t make me a nepo baby,

Just let me play center, then you’ll see . . . oh, yeah.

With hope there is light,

You give me a shot I won’t mistake the basketball for a strobe light,

I’ll catch it with all my pride!!! OOOOOOO . . .

I don’t wanna sit on the sideline and play basketball on iMessage with my brother, 

I don’t wanna be a benchwarmer.

I just know I can be better, be better, be better. 

I don’t wanna create this big scene,

But if you don’t, I’ll start a petition to the university  

Benchwarmers are meant to be temporary, temporaryyyyyyyy, temporaryyyyyyyyyyyyy.