By: Mason Mattu, Humour Editor
“The next station is: Main Street-Science World. Doors will open on the right,” the SkyTrain’s voice-from-above announced as I rose from my seat. As I slid the strap of my tote bag onto my right shoulder, I saw it. Not the dude I saw last week who put his raggedy feet on top of the seat right beside me for some reason. It was something way scarier . . .
. . . the frickin’ soccer ball that’s perched upon Science World right now for the FIFA World Cup. It glares at me — no, taunts me — as I pass by on my way to school. Every. Single. Day. It’s not just your average soccer ball. It supports an organization that has literally led to the further marginalization of Vancouver’s most vulnerable communities. It’s a beacon for the ultra-wealthy. It’s also ugly as fuck. Not to mention the free clout it’s giving Adidas and FIFA (who literally never even asked for their logos to be up there).
When I see this ball, I think to myself: what did Mayor Ken Sim think when allocating funding towards this fugly-ass piece of art? Is it solving the cost of housing? Or promoting the work of local artists? Or how about more pressing concerns — such as the mayor’s receding hairline? What?! It doesn’t? THEN WHY WOULD WE PAY FOR IT?
I’ve even tried my best to find out how much the soccer ball installation costs so I could pay the city MORE to take it down. I would even give up my first born child so I don’t have to be bothered by this eyesore to humanity. However, the City kept on rejecting my freedom of information requests. Their loss, I guess.
Enough is enough. I can no longer stand being confronted by an ungodly combination of red, blue, and green. I can no longer stand idly by while tourists gawk at this pathetic excuse of a spherical shape. I have one thing to do — and one thing only.
I — no, we — have to kick the fucking soccer ball.
Yes, you read that correctly. Email a news tip to Global News, tell your neighbour’s dog, and bring everyone to Science World on June 20 as I lead an attempt to kick that ball. If Steven Guilbeault could scale the CN Tower in the name of climate justice, we can bring down the soccer ball as a signal to Ken Sim that enough is enough. That we want a city that works for us!
If I scale Science World and kick the ball on my lonesome, nothing would probably happen. I’d probably get a big owie on my toe. BUT if we all do it together, we could make a big dent in the soccer ball. Perhaps even send it flying over into the Pacific Ocean. Please feel free to contact me for more information: [email protected].
Editor’s note: Shortly after this piece was written, the author did indeed scale Science World and break his big toe from the kick. 10,000 people came to watch the kick, but did not participate. After seeing him fall down, they all proceeded to shrug and go back to watching the next World Cup game on their phones. The ball — and all that it represents — remains in place.
