By: Akashdeep Dhaliwal, SFU Student

So here’s when it all started. In September of my first year, I walked into an SFU men’s washroom for the very first time. As I was walking towards the only available urinal, I saw him. There he was, standing entirely too far back from the loo, showcasing his spout for the whole world to see. This was the only time I saw a tinkle-time trickshotter in action. For what he lacked in public decency, he made up in range. Though I’ve only seen such an event once, there’s plenty of evidence on the floor that suggests that these creatures are still out there. 

What you’ll see more often nowadays are the urinal doomscrollers, the fellas who think swiping their feed is more important than keeping their pants up. My question is, are they not aware of how low their pants are sagging, or are they that proud of wearing horizontally-striped boxers? Furthermore, how are they so comfortable with having a camera pointed towards their crotch? How many people have they disappointed?

In most cases, I am a safe distance away from these disappointments. What really made me stop drinking liquids on campus was the grunters. These vocal pups will stand right beside you and will let out an aggressive moan when the process begins. Fellas, is it that difficult to lay off the Redbulls and take a sip of water? The worst is the violent arm jerk at the end, because why stop at noise? Logically, I know that they’re just being aggressive with the wiggle technique to get rid of the last drippy-drips, but from the corner of my eye, it looks . . . extremely suspicious.

The last part of horrendous washroom behaviour I’ve observed isn’t any better. You’d think that after all their crimes, redemption could be found at the sink. But you’d be wrong. Did you know that there’s a good chunk of men out there who don’t use soap after taking a leak? Imagine my surprise when I saw these soapless clowns rinsing their hands using nothing but water and friction. Why stop there? Some will just avoid eye contact with the sink entirely, hide their faces so the other guys don’t see them, and bolt out of the bathroom.

Is there any hope for more socially acceptable practices in the men’s washroom? Well, if a pandemic and nearly two decades of living haven’t taught some of us about sanitization and social cues, I doubt it. Regardless, if you want to survive, you can do what I do: switch from handshakes to fistbumps, keep a whole, full-size bottle of sanitizer in your bag, and let others open doors for you. Good luck!