By: C Icart, Humour Editor

This year marks the fourth time SFU ranks number one in so-called Canada for innovation, and if this is what innovation looks like, I don’t want it. God invented light switches for a reason. That reason is so I don’t have to start waving my arms like a Titanic survivor stranded at sea when I am suddenly plunged into complete darkness in the School of Communication Lab.

The lights aren’t broke; I am. So, stop taking my tuition to fund these motion-activated lights that don’t even detect my motion unless I do the Macarena three times, followed by the Cha Cha Slide. You’re not an Apple watch; you can’t get me to stand on command (yes, this joke only works if we suspend our disbelief for a second and pretend we actually stand up when our watches scream at us). 

Sorry, the grammar police entered the chat, so let me try that again. The lights aren’t broken; the doors to most bathroom stalls in the AQ are. Years of playing Twister still haven’t prepared me for the challenge of doing my business while holding the door. Also, I’m 5’2 and can barely reach. Stop investing in the lights and start investing in the locks.

You know what? I don’t even need light! Most of these Harbour Centre rooms don’t even have windows, and it’s OK. Humanity survived the “Dark Ages” before, and I will survive them again. I will sit in the dark like the monster hiding under your bed. 

ALSO (that’s right, I’m not done), real innovation would be SFU fixing the alarm in the Lab. You have to punch in a code to get inside, yet the alarm still goes off when you open the door. It doesn’t make any sense. I will not be treated like a trespasser in my own home. Once, it rang for so long, I became one with the shrill noise. I synced my heartbeat to it and everything. It was an experience. 

If this is all part of a social experiment to see how much students will tolerate before they transfer to another university, then challenge accepted. I keep getting those Loop earplug ads anyway, and I’ve been meaning to work on my night vision. Alternatively, SFU can get its rear in gear and fix this mess. Then, maybe next year, it will be included in the “list of universities people actually want to attend.”