By: Petra Chase, Arts & Culture Editor and C Icart, Humour Editor
I’m a section editor for a super fantastic publication. You may have heard of it. The name rhymes with The Leek. Anyway, I’m running out of ideas for when no one wants to write for my section! I’ve considered getting my hands on whatever they put in singing birthday cards, so whenever people flip to my section (which is the best and funniest section), Céline Dion’s version of “All by Myself” starts playing. What do you think? Would that be the best song choice?
‘Bout to go write all my pieces myself
Dear ‘Bout to go write all my pieces myself,
I’m also an editor for a super fantastic publication that rhymes with The Leek, except mine is the best section, so you must work for a different one. Anywho, is your publication called The Reek? No wonder you’re not getting writers when your approach makes you reek of desperation. You should approach pitching kind of like dating and play hard-to-get. Some ground rules: take at least four days to respond to emails, show up fashionably late to meetings, and don’t show any enthusiasm when a writer shows interest in a piece. You can also ask your coworkers to remind you of their names because you have sooo many contributors lined up you just can’t be bothered to remember theirs. People want what they think they can’t have.
It’s just basic psychology,
My dental hygienist keeps telling me to floss, and she doesn’t understand that I’m being terrorized by an anti-flossing ghost! The other day, I tried to grab a piece of dental floss, and the whole roll flew out of the container and straight into the toilet! That is a clear sign of paranormal anti-flossing activity. How do I get my dental hygienist to believe me and buy a firehouse so we can use it as our ghost-hunting headquarters?
Dear I ain’t afraid of no ghost,
Are you afraid of aliens, though? I find it very suspicious this is happening at the same time NASA announced they “can’t rule out ‘alien technology’ operating in the Earth’s atmosphere.” I think these aliens are trying to undermine your dental hygiene so that your teeth get pulled, and they can have them. Aliens are definitely responsible for helping build pyramids and causing the dinosaur extinction, according to ufologist and presenter of the documentary Ancient Aliens, Giorgio Tsoukalos (better known as the guy from this meme). I wouldn’t be surprised if They’re back trying to obtain human artifacts for their next big project. You’ll need to explain all this to your dentist to get them pulled ASAP so you can leave them under your pillow when you sleep so they’ll leave you alone.
How many socks do I really need to tide me over ‘till Christmas? I’ve been a bit neglectful when it comes to trimming my toenails, and my dryer has been particularly hungry for socks recently. All my socks have holes, are mismatched, or are a bit dingy, but I know my grandma will come through on December 25; she’s a real one. Should I be brave and go sockless in the meantime?
It socks to pay for my own clothes
Dear It socks to pay for my own clothes,
You asked the right person! I ditched socks three years ago, and it was the best decision of my life. My epiphany began much like yours: a hungry dryer, holey socks, a Christmas grandma. Then I watched The Matrix and realized it was a metaphor for sock-wearing, and going sockless was the red pill. I no longer waste time matching socks from the laundry or money buying new pairs. My feet are healthier than ever, and the athlete’s foot boosted my immune system. I’m part of an anti-sock advocacy group that meets on weekdays and weekends to discuss the benefits of going sockless, and how we can lobby to free feet everywhere!
Hoping to see your naked feet at a meeting soon,