By: C Icart, Staff Writer
Dear Peakie,
I’m looking for new ways to express myself in my room, and my 2014 Free! anime posters are just not doing the trick anymore. I just want people to know more about the real me. What should I be getting into? What posters do I need to be putting up?! I JUST WANT TO BE COOL!
Sincerely,
Unhip and Afraid
Dear Unhip and Afraid,
You’re so lost that you’re asking the wrong questions. Being cool is not about asking about trends, being cool is about setting trends. But given how lost you are, I guess I’ll give you some advice. Pinterest boards. You have to start pinning bedroom decor pins like your life depends on it. Once you have a board that does not give you the ick you must RUN to IKEA before it’s too late. It’s only a matter of time before whatever you choose becomes cheugy as well.
Afraid for you,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
To my great chagrin, I have discovered that . . . I . . . have feelings for someone. The very thought makes me shudder! WHAT DO I DO?
Sincerely,
My Thoughts Are Fogging Up
Dear My Thoughts Are Fogging Up,
Do nothing. You do not chase, you attract. Repeat that in your head until you’ve convinced yourself that you are way too cool to experience feelings. Alternatively, you should raise your hand in class and profess your love for them, it’s better if you bring a ring and propose as well. If they can’t handle your sudden passion, they do not deserve you.
Lovingly,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
It’s me, your favourite conspiracy Peekie! This time, I’ve recovered real* proof that your masthead is made of fake names. I mean, no one has even seen your offices. I bet you are a ghost publication, made of ghosts. I bet all your articles are spat out from a generator! I mean, no way this is real. What do you say to that?!
(In)sincerely,
Peekie
*My very thoughtful 3:00 A.M. research
Not so dear Peekie,
The tinfoil hat you’re wearing does not quite cover how ridiculous you sound right now. I, too, have never seen The Peak’s offices but I know they’re real, just like the air we breathe. It’s called faith. But I’ll humour you; maybe none of this is real. You focusing on our publication is distracting you from the larger simulation we live in. What do you say to that!
Conspiringly yours,
Peakie
