How to make friends at SFU

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ILLUSTRATION: Public Domain Vectors

By: Rufus the Raccoon, Friendship Expert

Making friends is hard. At SFU, it can be hard as concrete. Humans call it a “commuter campus” for a reason! Everyone is in a rush to get somewhere else, and few people leave room to socialize. Although making new friends is difficult, I’ve picked up some strategies over the years that are guaranteed to win over almost any human being!

Go someplace unexpected

This one has worked wonders for me. For some reason (most) humans love it when I hang out somewhere I’m “not supposed to.” Last week I ate my lunch in the West parkade, and this girl got out of her car just to take pictures of me! Soon enough, a small crowd had formed, and everyone was Snapchatting their new best buddy. I felt like royalty, to be honest. Consider also hanging out in someone’s private group study room or a lecture hall for a class you’re not in. Preferably, leave some muddy paw prints around. Humans love those. The more unexpected, the better your chances of making friends.

Look cute

This one is easy once you get the hang of it. Humans are suckers for the strangest things. For example, every time I literally just stand up, I’m met with an enthusiastic “aww” or something of the like. Plus, if you’re quiet and patient enough, you’re almost guaranteed a share of their food. They’ve stopped doing this in recent years, something about creating a serious wildlife disruption, but don’t listen to them! Not having to search for meals is great for the raccoon population! I think.

Bring them food and leave out where you got it

Speaking of meals, I’ve got another way to wow your future friends! This one involves already having food (I know, bummer) and offering it to your intended companion. Now, this is the prime opportunity to show off a little. One time, I found an entire uneaten Tim Horton’s sandwich outside the Student Union Building, and you would not believe the look on this one guy’s face when I dropped it in front of him. Now, whenever he sees me, he stops and says hello! I find that unopened food usually works better than dumpster scraps. I’m not one to complain, but humans are picky, I guess.

Don’t be discouraged if things don’t work out the way you planned. From my experience, making human friends takes a LOT of trial and error. Fear not, though, because I guarantee that my advice will be of universal value to all readers. Get out there and make some friends!