By: Kelly Chia, Humour Editor and Perpetual Elf Ranger

Aries: 

When I rolled a die for the kind of week you were going to have (an EXTREMELY reliable predictor for astrology), you got a 10/12! In this arbitrary universe and our limited time together, a ten means you get ten extra minutes in your midterm exam to do what you gotta do. Use it well, young one. 

Taurus:

Oh my god . . . Taurus. Where’s the rage, bud? A two?! Yeah, the pollen has been looking at you wrong lately. I think you should sneeze on a tree, just to show the tree what it makes everyone feel. It’ll be good for your fortune, I promise.

Gemini:

As I suspected, Gemini, you are trying to wring out the last of that Gemini charm before Leo steals all of it. A perfect 12/12! It’s time to develop your philosophy into a lifestyle book. Maybe think of imparting this godly advice to your descendants. Really. You’re perfect. 

Cancer: 

The magical die has decided you are an eight. But you know what, Cancer? You are a 10/10 friend in my heart. This week, focus less on numbers and more on you. You’ve got a stand-up smile, old pal!

Leo: 

Find it in your lion-hearted soul to be humble this week, Leo. Why, you rolled the lucky number nine. On your walk today, look for nine dogs. It’ll be like playing “I Spy,” except with every puppy, you experience more delight! SO LUCKY!

Virgo: 

You find yourself striving towards perfection, and at an 11, you’re almost there! Hey, take a breather this week. Maybe the character development you need is, well, rest.

Libra: 

Six isn’t bad, Libra. It’s the perfect balance between something mediocre and something extreme. Hey, aren’t you all about balancing? Maybe you and that scale of yours can have a chat this week about trying something fun. I suggest diving into a water park and flinging your arms up.

Scorpio: 

Four, huh? This week, Scorpio, you may have signed up for a group presentation begrudgingly. I’m here to tell you that it’ll be okay, despite all odds. You’ll eventually be able to celebrate this hard event like all SFU students do — with a Tim Horton’s. Rooting for you.

Sagittarius: 

Um, you rolled a one? Sorry Sagittarius, I think it’s time to accept that you will straight up not have a good time this week. Your Spotify will constantly pause while playing your music. Try finding a prophetic protagonist-defining item! I suggest: a ring, a tome, or a REALLY nice stick. That will give ya some extra luck!

Capricorn: 

The ever serious Capricorn, I have rolled a five for your misdemeanors. I know what this means! You have to push your luck and put on a musical. Just try! I know you have it in you to be a theatre kid, bud, I can sense it.

Aquarius:

Hi Aquarius, I was able to divine your fate through this random die this week, as I’ve done with the others. A three is not as bad as it sounds. Triangles are often symbols for unity! Confide in your friends this week. Maybe friendship was the answer all along.

Pisces: 

Finally, Pisces. I always feel bad that you come last in our horoscopes, but maybe it’s worth it for LUCKY NUMBER SEVEN. I feel confident that you’ll achieve what you want to! Carry a map with you, and you’ll find a surly wizard to entrust your wicked fate. I CAN’T wait to see what you do.