By: Luke Faulks, Staff Writer
1. Quietly, under the covers in your dorm room
Listen, you don’t have to be an exhibitionist, here. It’s perfectly acceptable to have regular old vanilla sex with a partner/real good buddy in your dorm room. If it’s any consolation, it’s still something the new federal conservative leader will privately consider to be “deviant.”
2. AQ Level four stairwell
The perfect middle-ground for any sexual romp around this is a great location for all you potential consumaters. Avoid the bottom of the AQ stairwell’s “call security on me” kinda vibe, avoid the strenuous climb to the top that leaves you completely spent (not in the fun way) and choose the level four stairwell! You retain the quiet nature of a stairwell, the general seclusion of a concrete abode and not to mention a nice view* of the AQ!
*Please be advised windows have been known to work both ways.
3. Literally anywhere in the Goldcorp Arts Centre
Join all the other sexually liberated arts students on campus and become a busy little worker bee in the sex hive that Goldcorp was always designed to be. Go ahead — do the devil’s tango in the dance studios, bang someone’s box in the concert halls, and even feed your partner’s reel in the movie theatre — have fun with it!
4. The Student Union Building
There’s no reason why bonkin’ can’t be a political message. Hop into the SUB, throw together some of the modular couches in the nap room, and start thrusting your signature onto your partner’s change.org petition!
5. The Burnaby Mountain Park parking lot
Did you know SFU has a specified make-out point that’s not a metal statue children play in!? Just a short walk/drive from campus and you’ll find the parking lot for Burnaby Mountain Park. Pull up in your parents’ car and start contributing to the melodious moans of about 40 other couples who had the exact same idea today!
6. The SFU Library’s fifth floor
Some say the best revenge is living well, but obviously, those people haven’t had sexy times in the library’s quiet floors. After years of librarians shushing us into shape, why not shatter the carefully curated silence of SFU’s quiet areas with some riotous shagging?
7. On the football field
Danger? Check. View of a starry sky? Check. Comfortable lying position? Check(ish). For your next sexual rendevous, we reccomend the middle of the SFU football field in all its LED glory. Let the muffled cheers of bus passengers whipping by and disgusted glances of strolling families get you and your partner in the mood for some nefarious nookie.
8. DIY in your dorm
You may have the dorm room but not the partner to match. Don’t let that stop you from partaking in self-care though. It’s time you start testing the plumbing, polishing the bannister, churning the butter — you get the point. Treat you and your hand to a nice night in — light a couple candles, put on some early Justin Timberlake tracks, and have a simple evening of private pleasure — you two deserve it!
Wait, I have more. Giving yourself the low-five. Choking the chicken. Coming into your own. Pulling the taffy . . . OK I’m good now.
9. The Harbour Centre lounge area that overlooks Port Vancouver
We’ve talked about the excitement around getting caught. But what about straight-up danger? There’s no bigger stage in the Lower Mainland, and no better window for the whole city to see your sexhibitions than the Harbour Centre lounge area. We strongly encourage all readers to give this location a try and make as many euphemistic puns as possible surrounding docks, harbours, and precious cargo to really set the mood.
10. The Avocado
Who am I kidding? It’s an absolute classic for a reason. Go ahead and make a pit stop with your partner tonight. Just please clean up after yourself this time.
