By: Hannah Kazemi, SFU Student, Cosmic Counselor in Training
Aries
You’ve yet to venture out of your comfort zone and find the hidden gems of the Burnaby campus. Be sure to try the tables under Images Theatre for your next cry sesh. They’ll never fail you — unlike your MATH 159 prof.
Taurus
Make a B-line for the avocado next time you feel tears gather and your eyes start to sting. If anyone asks, just say you’re just so touched by the beauty of the art piece you can’t help but tear up at the sight of it. That’s believable . . . Right?
Gemini
You don’t get a cry location this week because you never actually go to campus. You’ve spent the past two years of your degree (the only two years of your degree) logging onto Zoom lectures from your bed and haven’t cried real tears since 2014. Go to fucking therapy or something Gemini.
Cancer
Pay your academic advisor a visit. Trust me, it’s a perfectly safe space to let a few tears slip — they’ve seen it all.
Leo
You live for drama and will seize any opportunity to talk about yourself. So, park your ass in Convo Mall on a sunny Tuesday and let the tears take over — you’re sure to attract a crowd.
Virgo
The bathrooms in West Mall are calling your name, Virgo. Be sure to snag the stall at the farthest end for some privacy. If you run into anyone on your way out, pretend your puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks are just part of the character you’re playing for that Contemporary Arts class you definitely aren’t failing.
Libra
You break down so frequently, you might as well make yourself comfortable. The nap room in the SUB is the perfect place for you to express yourself, Libra. Bring a blanket, hit the lights, and settle in for the best cry sesh of your life.
Scorpio
Your bed is calling and I’m begging you to answer the phone. Now is not the right season for Scorpios to be crying on campus. Save it for December and do that shit at home.
Sagittarius
The sound of the 145 rattling its way up Burnaby Mountain is perfect for muffling your sobs and sniffles while you check your Canvas grade notification. Choose the seat all the way at the back corner of the bus, throw on a pair of sunglasses and you’re golden, Ponyboy.
Capricorn
Protect your pride and find a spot to wallow in private. The tables hidden in the depths of the physics building are the perfect spot for this. You can even stop and play with the interactive stuff on the walls as you make your trek down — maybe then you’ll actually start to feel something.
Aquarius
Rest and recharge after midterms with Puppy Therapy. Pick the most adorable one out of the bunch to cuddle and declare that it’s “just so cute I could cry!” Then, proceed to burst into tears for at least 25 minutes.
Pisces
Channel your inner-fish this week Pisces and spend some time at the koi pond. Go Troy Bolton à la High School Musical 2 on the koi pond and stare intensely at your reflection as tears drip dramatic ripples off your cheeks. But be careful: lean too deeply into your misery and you’ll be crying about more than just a bad midterm grade.
